Screenwriting : New logline -- does it work?? by Melanie Henderson

When a retired war hero turned bounty hunter captures the regime's most wanted criminal, a woman, he battles other bounty hunters to bring her in alive as she turns everything he knew about the regime on its head and he struggles to keep from from falling for her. - Okay not the best logline but getting better, i'd keep rewriting it. Good luck.

Alan that is great! I totally get where you're going for sure! Thanks!! And also, thanks very much, Alle, for your feedback. Yes, all the war and the future etc is setting the sci-fi scene. And as in places like Syria, the Middle East in general, and in wars in general, surrendering as a precondition for peace doesn't mean peace, since most of the key players don't want peace, they want to keep the war machine going. Thanks again to you both for the input! I do really appreciate it :-) Melanie

This sounds more like a thriller romance (which is fine) then a sci-fi story. It can still take place in the future and in a war (for peace). But this almost reminds me of Casablanca (to a degree). That being said you have alot going for you so far. Perhaps you should focus less on the sci-fi aspect (for logline) and more on the characters. If you state "Future War" that would be enough, the rest could emphasize the relationship of the bounty hunter and resistance leader. "A weary bounty hunter falls for the resistance leader in a galactic war nearing it's final hour."

very cool, Patrick! Very cool! Thanks!

It's a great start, but can be culled down a bit. I do agree that there seems to be a confusion in who the protagonist is, as SHE could just as easily be it and seems to be the one doing the righteous action to achieve the righteous goal. I actually like Patrick's logline and definitely makes it sound more like a romance/thriller. Or something like - As a galactic war rages in 2095, a weary bounty hunter must capture the female leader of the resistance but bringing her in alive becomes near impossible when he begins to fall for her. I dunno, just another option... It's not perfect either.

Melanie, I agree with some of the previous comments, this is more synopsis than logline, and it's not painting a clear picture of your story. From reading it several times, I get that the woman's surrender to the bounty hunter is a crucial source of conflict in your story. If that's the case, then your logline needs to be anchored to that. Remember, your logline should, in preferably a few sentences or even one, clearly define the protagonist's goal, and the antagonist's desire to stop him from achieving this goal. Dig into the heart of what compelled you to write this story and pull your logline from that. All the best to you!

thanks very much, Danny and David! The truth is, loglines are so tough for me I can't even see straight about them. Your feedback and input is so much of a help. I can't thank you enough :-) --Melanie

Melanie check out a book called Save the Cat. It will help you immensely with writing a concise logline. Good luck. Story sounds great.

thanks Steve and Alle :-)

I agree with others that your synopsis above leaves me with the impression that your story is a sci fi romance. If so, carry on. Also, I think you can go with just the first bit for a log line. Setting, etc. I don't see as necessary to sell this story (though of course important to the story). Perhaps just: "In a far off future of brutal galactic war, a war hero turned bounty hunter's mission is to capture the leader of the resistance and the regime’s #1 most wanted -- a woman." Still seems a bit long. You can probably pare it down even more. Best wishes on your project.