Screenwriting : My Latest Screenplay Is Finished! by Gregory McGee

Might be worth thinking about a one-sentence version of that logline, something not more than about 30 words that you can say in one go without gasping for breath at the end. You've got all the pieces in those three sentences so a first-rate logline could come out of compressing them into one sentence.

Thanks! I'll work on it.

Its not in my mind. Its on paper. About 180 pages of it.

How about this: "In this modern day pirate tale, a couple on their sailing honeymoon is attacked. The wife is killed, but the man survives, to return and wreak havoc on the pirates and their way of life."

you have a 180 page script? Its hard to get people to read scripts that are over 120 pages.... logline is waaay too long. Think of the big conflict in the story and pull from that. Short and catchy...The second logline you just posted is still too much lol. Try this on for size: "The newly weds honeymoon cruise meets disaster when attacked by pirates."

Again, keep your logline to one sentence. And Yasmin is right about length. In format, a spec screenplay should never be longer than 120 pages and you'll be even better off if it comes in at 100 pages. (A 180-page script will give you a film running about three hours and nobody (or hardly anybody) makes three-hour films any more at least in Hollywood.

If I had intended to write a parlor drama with a cast of 3, I would have. Yes, its a big expensive long movie which will require a zillion $$ budget. This is not a 90 min. story. More like 2+ hours. Its about sailing, and sailing is not the fastest way to get from point A to B, although it is usually the most enjoyable. That said, how about retooling it into a mini series for HB0 or Showtime, etc.? I'd love to have the time to really develop the characters and the setting. Comments?

How does it vary from "Life of Pi" It may not be at all like it but your description/logline immediately made me think of Life of Pi. It's almost as if you are decribing the undertones of the movie from the Life of Pi even though the loglines are nothing alike. I think their is room for two of these kinds of movies but your description as literal sounds much like what happened in Life of Pi but dealt with on a fantasy level because of such traumatic events PI experienced. Yours Logline: A sailing honeymoon meets disaster at the hands of a brutal pirate, leaving a mans wife murdered and him for shark bait. He cheats death, and comes back for a lot more than revenge. His goal: to tear out the cancer of piracy by its roots, which requires transformation not only of himself, but an entire country. Life of Pi Logline: A young man who survives a disaster at sea is hurtled into an epic journey of adventure and discovery. While cast away, he forms an unexpected connection with another survivor: a fearsome Bengal tiger. http://writetoreel.com/forum/showthread.php?1660-Life-of-Pi-Script-PDF Again there is always interest in Pirate movies but I just don't know if it is unique enough to get off the ground. Good luck with your endeavor's.

It needs to be 120 pages or less. Especially if it's going to be expensive. Every page costs money. More pages cost more money. More pages that are expensive creates all kinds of problems. You want the concept to be what is amazing, not the cost of the scenes. So THE MATRIX has an amazing concept... but it's just Keanu doing stuff in a city (but the city isn't real! It's all in his mind!). Or TERMINATOR where an android from the future is sent back to kill the future mother of the human resistance movement, and another human is sent back to stop the android (but the android is just an actor, and almost all of the story takes place here and now instead of some expensive future). Or SOURCE CODE where a soldier is sent back in time again and again to find the identity of a mad bomber who blows up a commuter train and then a city (but the story only has 3 locations: Train, time capsule, mission control; and a very limited cast: the people on the train, our hero in the capsule, the 2 people at mission control.) Or GHOST where a dead dude has to warn the woman he loves that she is in danger while he uncovers the reason why he was murdered (but the ghost is just an actor sitting on the set that other actors pretend they can't see or hear). The idea needs to be amazing, not all of the (expensive) trappings needed to tell the story. I have a World War 3 script that's under 120 pages. Start trimming that script down to a length that someone will read.

What I really wish is that I could get feedback on the script instead of the logline or the synopsis, without paying a couple of hundred $$. I don't like the logline either, but the script is awesome. In general, I find pretty much all loglines to be bad, and don't want me want to read the script. I'll toss this out to the group: what is the BEST action/adventure logline you've ever read?

Listen to the advice William Martell has given you, 180 pages is too long - I like the premise of your story, it CAN be told in 120 pages if you are worth any salt as a writer - you need to be a little smarter about these things, you need to entice people to read your work, you need to generate interest, but that won't, or unlikely to, happen at the current length - but if you are convinced you know better, then don't heed any advice.

You guys are tough, but I love it. Makes me think. I just figured out how to cut 60 pages and make it stronger. Back to work

Also, I was explaining it to a friend of mine yesterday, and the logline just popped out. "A private yacht is attacked by pirates and they make the mistake of leaving the wrong guy alive. " BAM!

Not bad, don't mind that logline - I wouldn't say we're tough, perhaps some of us had to learn the same lesson, and once I did, it made me a better writer.

When a couple on a deep sea sailing trip are attacked by pirates, the husband escapes to avenge his wife's death and attack piracy at its roots.

Through the atrocity of a pirate attack a good man loses his wife. After feelings of devastation, blaming self then anger he transforms to a man with vengeance driving his core meniacally plotting his revenge of all piracy at it's roots.

Hasn't Captain Phillips already covered this territory?

This story is similar to Captain Phillips ony in its setting. That was a bio-pic. This will be action/adventure with a lot of things getting blown up, with larger than life villians, scantily clad women, all the things that sell action/adventure movies. In my humble opinion, there can never be enough pirate movies.

When pirates attack a couple on a sailing voyage, they make one fatal error: letting the man escape to return with a vengeance and lay waste to their corrupt criminal empire.

Greg, forget about Captain Phillips, stick with your story - I don't hear too many in Hollywood complaining there are too many Super Hero films, the production line hasn't ceased, yet - your story hinges on your ability to write, not subject matter.

Pirates attack a couple on a sailing voyage, but they make one fatal mistake: they leave the husband alive, and he returns with a vengeance to lay waste to their corrupt criminal empire.

The title 'Money From The Clouds' doesn't seem to fit the genre. If it were a heist that took place on a zeppelin or something it would be perfect. The title needs a sharper edge if this is a revenge thriller. It could be a location near the attack, or where the criminals operate. 'Jagged Cove' or something.

If you read the script, you'll know that it is the perfect title.

The problem is: the title comes before they read the script, so you need a title that doesn't require knowledge of what happens in the script for it to be understood. A title that sells us on reading the screenplay or watching the movie.

Make your logline one sentence.

I have to agree with William - your title doesn't work for me and it does come before they read the script - it's okay, but not strong enough to entice people to read your work - be careful about declaring a "perfect" title - it's already judged and appears to have fallen short.

Try this: Jason Gregg’s lust to retrieve a rare U.S. silver dollar unveils a long-buried State secret placing Jason Gregg in the crosshairs of the FBI, the CIA and the Vatican. We don't need details, just the conflict. Now, why is he in the crosshairs? that's your conflict, right? Put that in and you're fini.