Screenwriting : Would you watch this movie? by Shelly Paino

Nope but Lifetime viewer's probably would. It resonates Lifetime Movie Network to me. My mother tortured me when I had to move back in with her in my thirties with LMN and HGTV. Sorry but I'm finally free of such shows. LOL! Could be a humorous though I guess. I'm not anti-gay or anything but I still say they should rename HGTV GGTV you know gay and girly tv. So my mind turned the idea into a smalll sketch comedy skit. Anyway on a serious note Shelly good luck with your endeavor's it probably would have an audience.

Sorry, but no.

Sounds like a family show for all the kids to watch, a good old fashioned comedy, for early viewing.

I need to know a bit more about the direction of the story before I could say if it was for me or not. At the moment I get the feeling that what you've laid out could make for an interesting first act but not an entire movie. What happens as a result of the Grandpa being mistaken for a minster? Who is the protagonist here? (the Grandpa or someone else in the family?)What's the protagonist's goal? What are the challenges/problems faced by the protagonist? It would be great if some of these things were included in the logline. All the best with it. :)

It does sound more like a setup for a cable sitcom.

All very good points, thank you! That is funny, it had occurred to me that it could be episodic rather than a movie, but I have never written for television. It fascinates me because there is a goal in each episode but is there also a goal for each season and another for the series as a whole? It must be amazing to write like that. Mad Men comes to mind.

This sounds interesting. I echo the sentiment that it all depends on the story direction. One obvious direction would be that the surly grandfather gradually becomes a good minister rather than the butt of a joke. The people may accept that he is a horrible minister, but they like the freedom it grants them, enabling them to be a much "less than perfect" congregation and deferring some other pastor taking the assignment. The family appreciates the extra income and community respect. Perhaps the old man learns truths about the sinful community and, at the climax, preaches genuine hellfire and damnation if they don't change, exposing their secrets and lies shockingly and without discretion from the pulpit. It might be interesting for the protagonist to actually be, say, one of the children in the family, observing the truth of events. Thus, this might be a coming of age story? This youth may go through a journey, making a personal decision about being a good person or a bad person, leaning toward bad (influenced by family and the congregation) but finding inspiration in the example of her grandfather. (Initially, she has even less regard for him than others, thinking of him as a buffoon and an ugly creature.) He is ultimately rejected by both his family and the congregation. But, in observing him, she ultimately embraces him, choosing to be a good person. Just musing.

I like it. I agree, it would do well as a sitcom. I suggest turning it into a short (under 20 mins) and see where it feels like it's going from there.

Not really for me. But if you made them Black, it could sell. or maybe as a TV series. but again, its more BET than CBS.

Interested to see the eccentricities

It's hard to say without knowing more... It seems like it could all end quite easily with "grandpa" just simply saying "Nope, I'm not a minister." My question is why would the eccentric family perpetuate a lie? Why would they allow others to assume/believe they are operating a church? Perhaps they are setting up a con? They could make a lot of money with congregational donations... Perhaps this could be like the TV series THE RICHES, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver. :)

It all hangs on what you mean by surly. How about "capricious, hard drinking atheist?"

I like it. I can definitely see a character driven sitcom here. Grandpa's motivation? Maybe he's a retired con man: He gets to take an offering every week. Pair him up with a survivalist daughter and a do-gooder hippie grandson and you are off to the races.

I considered that angle, Greg. Definitely bitter and will wrestle with God over the course of the story. Definitely not 7th Heaven. I wrote a feature with an imperfect pastor as the main character and I've found people to be resistant to the idea that pastors and churches are not perfect and have flaws and don't always do what they should. I will definitely continue fleshing this out...

Wouldn't the 'surly grandfather' just tell people to 'go away?' The premise might work if there was a financial reason for him to PRETEND to be a pastor ...

Hi Shelly. Like many other commenters - I agree it's a bit middle of the road and to me it seems to be missing another element. I think it has potential though and I was interested right away but not so much in a comedic sense but rather taking it in a more adult direction. It all hinges on grandfather and the irony of the townspeople mistaking him for something he is not. My suggestion is to take that to an extreme. He's not only surly, he's minister of a secret church of Satan or he's actually Lucifer or he's got Turret's swears a blue streak every sunday. My examples are perhaps a bit extreme but perhaps something like that would be worth exploring?

I immediately think comedy and am reminded of King of Queens. The father in that show tries every once in awhile to play the wise patriarch (unsuccessfully). What's the message? Are you thinking comedy or heartstrings kind of show? I'd want to know more about the characters before saying yah or nay.

I actually like the initial premise, but require more information on your story direction - humour would work well here, but I disagree re TV and prefer a movie - not sure the premise is strong enough for a series over an extended period, but a film has many possibilities - ultimately it comes down to the writing, the execution before could pass judgement, but I like the potential, keep going.

I really like the concept. I feel it has a lot of places it can go and be ripe with thematic elements.

It's cute expand on it. Whats the grand fathers motivations? A question to make you think.

Sounds like fun.

It has potential. I could see developing this idea as a comedy (or dramedy) film with an actor like WILLIAM MACY or BILL MURRAY playing the reluctant minister after seeing how all that money being put into a the collection plate is a big incentive for him and his family; that is, until he must deal with someone with a very deep, or serious problem that threatens and pits his livelihood against that of the town (or even the well-being of one person). Just one idea-direction if you want to stick with the film format.

I would think there are several, perhaps dozens, of reasons why the grandfather could end up doing this. I think it's a neat idea.

The best formula would be along Wedding Crashers, or any Wil Farrell...and no, I wouldn't watch it.

Good one write it.

You are thinking in the right direction. Why? Dare to be different. Instead of a writer becoming the next Tarantino. Become the next Shelly Paino. Thats the best advice I can give. Dare to be different. Put your own spin.

I fell that, If a person in not seeking funding for their project, or projects like my self. Then they can afford to be different with their own spin. Human Trafficking is real and it needs to be filmed so millions of people can see what is going on all around us as well as their own back yard. The awareness purpose is to not only give hope but to stop the child sex slavery and suicides among our children and young women every where.

what's the dramatic problem and where are the stakes? http://www.wheresthedrama.com/loglinespremises.htm

I think the first part is brilliant. I'd like to see more of a twist than turning up for church on Sunday, but yes, I'd probably watch this movie. Perhaps the defunct family (or one member) DELIBERATELY misleads the townspeople. Then, something like, NOW the defunct family has to come up with a miracle before they're run out of town.

A random thought: as I've considered further, I'm reminded of an article I read years ago. I think it was in the Smithsonian magazine. It was about someone who had purchased a church & renovated for use as living space. It didn't take long for the new owner to realize that people were coming into the building while they were gone and bathing. It turned out that homeless people in the area had been using the bathtub when they had no where else to go to bathe. The new owner couldn't seem to get people to stop so they finally decided to allow them to continue and set out some rules about cleaning up after themselves. I think this happened in New Mexico. I can't guarantee I have all the details correct. Might be an interesting twist of 'art imitating life' (since 'ripped from the headlines' doesn't seem to fit....).

Novel plot. I would like to see it in any number of genres. Keep me posted?

Hi Shelly, Careful with your wording: When a large eccentric family buys a defunct church property to live in, "in" is a preposition which is incorrect grammar in ending a sentence. As a writer, if your logline or story plot, or brief synopsis is grammatically incorrect, it could instantly sway a reader away from going deeper into you work. Just a suggestion.

Hello Shelly: If they bought the church to live in - maybe it needs repairs, and they allow the scam to go on so they can collect 'building funds' and help from locals to make repairs and then they are 'found out' and need to actually turn it into a church and donate it back to the town. Just my two cents.

Relax, David.

Well, a preposition is something you should never, ever, EVER end a sentence with! Meanwhile, back at the church ... Regardless of format, the "fun and games" should include a cranky old guy at a pulpit giving hellfire and damnation to a congregation that has well earned it. I'd pay good money to see that. I can just imagine some of the feigned indignation among the congregation having itchy ears and more accustomed to soothing, validation of their indiscretions. "He shouldn't be using a word like damn on a Sunday! Not from the pulpit!" "If I wanted someone to tell me I was going to hell, I could have stayed home!" "This is not the preaching I paid good money for!" <- Oops! Another improperly used preposition to watch out for!

I'm not clear on eccentric but if they were eccentric atheists; the family could find a spiritual meaning in their life and have a happy ending as the church is accepted into their community. But to answer the question yes i would watch this movie.

There's so much you could do. For instance they could effectively start developing a new religion to try and satisfy everyone or they could learn about all kinds of dodgy goings on via confessionals.

I think CJ has put forward an interesting edge. Hearing the community "spill the beans" about themselves, and any comeuppances as a result, gives it more of an adult edge. This would be a useful tool for dialogues about illicit affairs, dark secrets, and past sins. Although he isn't a real priest/vicar, it may well be he does redeem them all, in a different way to prayer.

This could be a good horror story. Turn the family into evil.

Sorry Chanel Ashley, but David Rountree is very correct with the issue of grammar and should not "relax" as you so eloquently put it. I currently work for a smaller production company and we are pitched several dozen projects a week. If the pitch sentence/logline has poor grammar, it can only be assumed that the writer is not a professional and there will be too much work to clean up whatever "their version" of the script may be. I am not a writer, but have done a lot of script coverage for Psycho Rock as well as a major studio where I used to work. A well-crafted logline goes a long way in peeking interest in reading the synopsis. If the script actually gets far to even have the logline read, it needs to be right on in every way. Maybe the script synopsis will be read at that point and if it still has some life, then a person at the bottom, like myself, will then read the script (along with up to 50 others per week). If I believe in the potential of a script, then I would pass it on to my boss, who would then do the same thing I did, but with the much more condensed pile of good scripts. They would go through only a handful a week and pass on to their boss, the executives, only the best of the best. The odds are not in a screenwriter's favor to have their script read by someone who could actually even make it, so no writer should begin with a strike against him/herself with incorrect grammar. Please understand that studios are pitched hundreds of scripts each week. First, those scripts are not unsolicited and are almost aways handed over to us by a representing agent. There were some days where I had to read and cover 3 different scripts in an assembly line fashion. If I was turned off by incorrect grammar, then it was an immediate pass before I or any of us covering the script would even read it. Next, after 10 pages, we made our second decision to either continue reading or go ahead an pass. This was never personal to anyone's project, but soley based on the fact that we did not have time to read something that would need a lot of development. These are just my personal opinions. I always say to put your best foot forward because no one should stumble through a door that is already near impossible to walk through.

I believe the correct spelling in 'peeking interest' should be 'piquing interest'. That is what I was taught in grammar class a long time ago. 8-)

Good catch Connie! Very funny... that's why I'm not a writer, just a reader.

Yeesh, there's nothing wrong with the grammar in her sentence. 1) It doesn't end in a preposition. 2) The claim that a sentence should never end in a preposition is wrong. http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/ending-a-sentence-wit...

As someone who really struggles with spelling and grammar, these recent comments scare the hell out of me.

Grammar and punctuation mean nothing if you don't have a compelling story - attend to the story first and then - if necessary - get a good copy editor to proof read and fix the spelling, grammar and punctuation.

David, David, David, while I appreciate where you're coming from, there is a thing called reality - is one of your prerequisites perfection? You may be technically correct, you may also adhere to being politically correct, but you also work within some very narrow parameters - I have written many reviews, and yes, grammar, especially bad spelling absolutely grates, but, BUT, I also look for story and execution and will forgive much if the writer succeeds on that level - no offence, but I can see why a person like yourself is at the bottom. In The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier, 4th Edition, page 24 - Jeffrey Katzenberg from Disney, Leonard Kornberg, Robert Kosberg at Spielberg's company, made the following comments - "concept is king" - "it is the concept that gets it purchased" - "Probably 80% of the spec scripts this year were bought for concept and not execution" - no mention of grammar - if you can't be a little forgiving, if you can't widen the parameters, perhaps you would be much better suited as an English teacher - again, no offence intended.

CJ, I know all the experts here will disagree, but as Billy expressed above, while grammar and punctuation is important, you need your story to be compelling, attend to the story first - on that basis, you're doing okay.

I agree with concept/story being by far the most important thing, and a professional reader will hopefully see past the odd typo. However it can't hurt if the grammar and sentence construction are good in your logline and synopsis. First impressions and all that.

Chanel, my experience with readers has shown me it can go either way. In my first year of writing I bought a ton of BlackList reviews and, for every reader that saw through my numerous errors, there was another who chastised me for them. The sad truth is that, those of us who really struggle in this area, and believe me it's not through lack of trying, face tougher odds. Obviously the key solution is to strive to improve in the areas we lack. Which I do. But, for me, it reinforces the belief that some us need to come at this industry from a very different angle.

Cj, I've heard of many successful writers/filmmakers that do not excel in grammar and punctuation, Tarantino comes to mind - the odd typo, the occasional error surely can be forgiven, especially if the script/story/concept itself holds up.

FWIW, I think most folks missed the humor of my post wrt prepositions ...

When a large eccentric family buys a defunct church property in which to live, the townspeople mistake the surly grandfather for a minister and start showing up for church on Sundays. Steve I am glad to hear you were joking. People on this website take things too seriously. Is this revised logline acceptable? It still needs to clarify the conflict better.

Chanel, you are indeed totally right. There are plenty of successful writers who struggle with literacy. However, based on what I've learned, few writers like that gain success via the prodco reader system. They work their up from the bottom, network, and gain recommendations, which is what I plan to continue doing.

Hello Chanel, Although I appreciate your comments, you have misdirected your "no offence, but I can see why a person like yourself is at the bottom" line at me when the comment you were referencing was not written by me. The thread in question was a defending comment to my original response by another Stage 32 member. A personal attack by you is really uncalled for when I was simply trying to offer a constructive suggestion to Shelly, fulfilling her request for (honest) feedback. As a professional, I have written 5 feature film scripts which were purchased and made, with three of them receiving theatrical releases (2 this year). I have 2 more scripts that have been optioned by studios to be made over the next few years. I have also directed 4 feature films and dozens of commercials and music videos. I do have experience and do not feel that I am at the bottom, yet I still learn everyday and thrive to do better and better work. A personal attack like “[you] can see why a person like [me] is at the bottom" is really uncalled for and will only push more experienced people away from trying to help with honest feedback. Stage 32 is a wonderful place for its members to collaborate and help each other so please keep that in mind before you decide to personally attack someone on a post. It will only deter people from wanting to help and will ultimately defeat the purpose of this great site. My note to Shelly was to be as solid as you can when pitching. I was never discouraging the idea nor was I telling Shelly or anyone not to write if they do not have the best grammar. Shelly may be terrific at grammar, I have no idea, but why put the question in a reader's mind before they even begin to read the script. As several people have said, which I completely agree and do myself, have someone or a professional script doctor go over the material before it goes out. It is very difficult to proofread your own material because a writer often becomes too close to it. Even when trying to read through your own material, one will actually skim through parts that are assumed to be correct. My suggestion now is that we move away from this sidebar and back to the original post attempting to help out Shelly. * This posting has not been proofread by a script doctor. Please forgive any incorrect punctuation or grammar.

IN is certainly a preposition. It's not necessarily wrong to end in a preposition. The alternative is unwieldy: in which to live. The original is how intelligent people talk. It certainly does not expose her as ignorant. A third choice (buy a church as a home) is probably superior but I don't believe the original would trip the reader. A gray area at best. That said, there is also no need for personal put downs and I hope that this doesn't cause a chilling effect because well meaning suggestions result in slap downs

The sentence ends with "Sundays."

Good job David Roundtree. We need to stamp out the feeling of superiority and I think you clarified you comment without biting back. This is a wonderful place and sometimes we people attack others on these threads the person who started the thread must feel a little guilty. I think of poor George, how confused he must be.

When a large eccentric family buys a defunct church, the townspeople mistake the surly grandfather for a minister and start showing up on Sunday mornings for services http://www.wheresthedrama.com/loglinespremises.htm

David, I must apologise, it was meant for Marc Everett, I used your name in error, I can do no more than apologise again - Marc acknowledged he is not a writer, he himself stated that he is at the bottom - it was not meant as a personal attack, more of a dig, as in mild facetiousness as opposed to sarcasm, an area often misunderstood on this site - you have outstanding credentials, you have said nothing that would warrant my criticism - I agree your note to Shelly was solid, I also agree with almost everything you wrote - but, I suspect your vast experience and success was not achieved because of your knowledge re prepositions, but from sheer hard work and talent which got you over the line - though, of course, your proper use of of grammar and punctuation would have assisted, LOL - again, sorry if I caused any distress, it was never intended.

As much as I lean toward proper grammar, English is constantly morphing, so if it makes sense to the reader, it probably works. There is no place for ad hominem attacks unless we want an unappealing forum here.

Hi David and everyone. I've really appreciated the comments and feedback, and imagine many others have too. Thanks for the insights.

I like the use of ad hominem, Rick, prefer the full argumentum ad hominem, though - I agree re the personal attacks, but too many here cannot discern the difference between a mild dig towards someone and a personal attack - I like this site, I like the people, but geez, too many are thin skinned and too sensitive over minor issues - perhaps it's our different culture, in Australia we often greet each other with good-natured insults, it's just our way - from my perspective it's only a personal attack when malice is applied, otherwise it's just banter, tongue-in-cheek, difference of opinion - simple.

Shelly, I would watch it. It made me think first of the movie "Heaven is For Real". I do agree with Wendy Nichols that the first part of the logline had me hooked, but looking for a more ironic result. Also, maybe the Grandfather is not just surly, but a lifelong sinner.