SYNOPSIS:

(Adapted from my forthcoming novel of the same title. Finalist in the Writer's Guild and Best of Austin competitions.) A couple of two-bit hustlers come up with the bright idea of kidnapping the Big Sleazy’s Cajun Mafia King, CHARLES DENEUVE...with a twist. Instead of 'napping his entire body unit ala the normal, mundane snatch, the pair figure to amputate his hand... and hold that appendage for some serious jack. They perform the amputation, albeit with multiple snags and get the ransom loot. Along the way, PETE HALLIDAY, ex-major leaguer, turned out of baseball for gambling, is double-crossed by his partner, part-Indian TOMMY LECLERC, and ends up falling in love with CAT DUPLAISIR, a part-time hooker and full-time waitress. Pete and Cat team up to retrieve the ransom money from Tommy and deal out a bit of poetic justice to the scoundrel. In a twist, it turns out Cat was sold by her mom to Deneuve for a bag of dope when she was ten and he’d kicked her out on the street when she made the bad career move of turning twelve. With the Italian Mob, the Deneuve brothers, SAM “THE BAM” CAPELLITI (an independent bookie), all after them through chases through Jazz Fest, a black bar where Cat provides a diversion to allow Pete to escape by pretending to have Tourette's and screaming racial epithets, and other zany adventures, just when it looks as if they’re free and clear, Charles Deneuve gets the drop on them and at the last minute, when it looks like they’re about to be rendered room temperature, Pete reaches back into his baseball background and disables the bad guy by throwing an eightball gearshift knob. The pair are about to let Deneuve go when he makes the mistake of making a sneering comment Cat that he should have destroyed her Barbee doll collection when he threw her out… and that seals his fate as Cat shoots him… in his trouser beans. Knowing the Mafia will never stop trying to find them, they decide to hide out in the open in Lost Wages by changing their appearances to look like famous folks which the town is full of. Pete wants to be an Elvis lookalike and Cat opts for Cher. Cat is positively beside herself at the thought of gobbling the Big E’s dreamsickle… At the last minute, Cat spies an ad for a cut-rate plastic surgeon who promises to undercut anyone else's fees as he doesn't have "frills" such as a downtown office, expensive anesthetics, or a nurse with an active license, and the couple decide to save money by going to this guy. They end up looking like famous people, just not the ones they had in mind. Pete now looks like a skinny Liberace with yellow teeth and Cat... well… Cat now resembles Bette Midler with black hair and a big nose... A lot of Cajun gumbo, a lot of kinky sex, and you'll see places in New Orleans you probably weren't aware existed... Fans of Tim Dorsey’s character Serge Storms, and readers who enjoy Christopher Moore and Carl Hiassen will enjoy this story.

THE GENUINE, IMITATION, PLASTIC KIDNAPPING