LOGLINE: After a horrible accident occurs at the TV dinner plant, the employees try convincing Bubba to give the new employee something back to him that he rightfully owns.

ACT ONE

EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE-DAY

INT. PRESIDENT’S ROOM-DAY

Dave sits behind the president’s desk.  He is signing some documents.  A man dressed in a black suit rushes into the room.

                           Mr. President!

                           Uhhhhh?!  Yes?

                           Secretary of Defense Dustin Diamond from TV’s grandest of shows “Saved by the Bell” just told me that it is highly necessary to bomb Mexico.

                           Ummmm…Dustin Diamond is Secretary of Defense?  How in the hell did that   happen?

                           President Don Rickles made it your first priority to bring him to your cabinet.

                           PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT

Well, anyway Mr. President…what should I tell Dustin Diamond what your orders are with this Mexico problem?

                           PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT

Sir? You’re joking right?  Their president has threatened to take all of the TV dinner plants in America and move them to their country.  This would demolish our great American economy. The world’s hands would be tied and Mexico would rule the world!

 DAVE

 What the?!

 PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT

Sir, I need an answer now.  The state of the nation and the world is resting on your answer.        What should we do sir?  What should I tell Dustin Diamond?

A loud buzzing noise echoes throughout the white house.

DAVE

What the heck is that noise?

PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT

Oh no!  Mexico must have already decided to start bombing us!  Sir, what should we do?

The buzzing continues.

PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT

President Dave?  What should we do?  President Dave?

INT. DAVE’S BEDROOM-MORNING

Dave is being shaken by BJ and Eddie.  They are trying to wake up Dave.

 BJ

 Get bent Dave!  You’re lying on some Poo!

There is a big pile of pig crap laying on Dave’s bed.  Dave is close to rolling in it.

 DAVE

 I don’t know what to tell Dustin Diamond!

 BJ

 Dustin Diamond!  Ha ha ha.  You’re dad’s having dreams about Dustin Diamond!

Eddie looks embarrassed.

EDDIE

No he’s not!  There’s got to be some sort of gross mistake. Right dad? Please dad...tell me that Diamond that they were going to take all of our TV dinner plants and move them to their        moons ago.

EDDIE

You knew Abraham Lincoln?

EG

Yah.  This is gonna sound kind of funny.  But I’m over 3,000 years old.  It’s kind of     embarrassing to talk about.

 BJ

 Now, I’ve heard everything.

 EG

 Anyhow, Me and Abe were sitting on the ice…

EG has a dream sequence.

EXT. ICE SHANNY ON POTOMAC RIVER-DAY

INT. ICE SHANNY-DAY

EG And Abraham Lincoln sit on seats with fishing lines fishing for fish.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

So EG.  I really need your advice.  What should I do?  Should I invade Alaska?

EG

Well Abie.  I say just hold your horses.  Let Alaska come to you.  Why waste all of  your energy?  It’s just gonna upset some people if you invade them now.  Just wait.  They’ll want to give   Alaska away sooner or later.

EG lifts his fishing pole up.  He caught a big huge fish.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Thank you EG.  This country would never survive without your expert advice.

EG

Hey Abie.  That’s what friends are for.  Don’t mention it.

INT. DAVE’S BEDROOM-DAY

BJ

That’s the biggest crock I’ve ever heard. That didn’t happen at all? Is that all you do Is lie?

 EG

 Shut up!  It happened! It really did. You’re just jealous!

Bubba  walks into the room.

BJ

You’re a friggen little liar!  Ha ha ha!

EG (crying)

No I’m not!

BUBBA

EG, you’re a liar. Dave…hurry up.  We‘re late for work.

EG (crying)

I am not!

DAVE

Oh crap.  I forgot we have to work today.  It sucks working on Saturdays.

EG, Bubba, and Dave walk out of the bedroom.

EDDIE

We have to find something to do today BJ.  Any ideas?

BJ

This town sucks.  We’re going to have to liven this place up.

BJ gives an evil smirk.  Eddie smiles.

EDDIE

I’m sure we’ll figure something out.

EXT. BUBBA’S CAR-DAY

EG, Dave, and Bubba jump into his huge green faded 1982 Cadillac.

INT. BUBBA’S CAR-DAY

Bubba drives his Cadillac.  EG sits in the back seat.

BUBBA

Man, we gotta hurry today or else we’re going to be late again.  I don’t feel like listening to that little pipsqueak General labor dog us again.

DAVE Yah, just get us there safely today, Bubba.

Bubba starts driving down the road.

BUBBA

What’s that supposed to mean?  I’m probably the safest driver on the planet.

Dave looks quietly and nervously out the passenger window.

BUBBA

I’ve never been hit by any other car before.

DAVE

Yah, you just hit them.  You cause all kinds of accidents behind you.

Bubba is driving exceptionally fast.  He swerves around cars and beeps his horn if somebody is in his way.

 BUBBA

 How do you figure?  If I’m such a bad driver, then why don’t I ever get any tickets?

Bubba nearly hits another car.  The car beeps his horn and the driver waves his fist in the air.

EG

Man, slow down a little bit Bubba.

BUBBA

If I slow down, we’ll be late.

Sweat pores down Dave’s forehead. Bubba continues to drive at a very high speed.

DAVE

Just chill out a little Bubba. That’s all I’m trying to say.

Bubba gets right on the bumper of the car in front of him.  Bubba beeps his horn.

BUBBA

Get moving Jackass!

Bubba drives up on the sidewalk.  People scream and dive out of the way.

EG (crying)

We’re all going to die!

BUBBA

Man, knock it off knuckleheads.  That one wasn’t even close.

Dave sweats even more.

EXT. LEONARDO DIABLO‘S HOUSE- DAY

The house is surrounded by very beautiful flowers and bushes. The house has a very modern look. Leonardo is in the front yard planting some new flowers.

EXT. LEONARDO DIABLO’S FRONT YARD- DAY

BJ and Eddie walk down the sidewalk.  They see Leonardo planting flowers and walk up to him.

BJ

Ha ha ha!  How’s it going hippie dude?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa!  What’s up freaky dudes?  I’ve never seen you in town before. Are you  new to our        Community College that I need to work on this weekend. I’m having trouble in the class. I don’t know why. I usually do good in science classes. But, this semester I’m having problems. I         company treats everybody with complete respect and loves each and one of its employees and…

General Labor sees Skippy Joe putting labels on the TV dinner containers. He and Luthor walk up to the creamed corn press.

GENERAL LABOR

What the fuck are you doing Skippy Joe? How many damn times do I have to tell you, you have   to stamp those labels with THIS stamp. Are you a dumb ass or what? Geez.

Luthor looks up in the air.

SKIPPY JOE

I’m sorry Mr. Supervisor sir. I forgot. I was thinking of other things.

GENERAL LABOR

Were you thinking of porn again?

Skippy Joe looks at the ground and starts twisting his foot.

 SKIPPY JOE

 Well, yah, but…

GENERAL LABOR

How many damn times do I have to tell you…stop that shit. We can’t have another creamed corn mess, Ok? Me and you almost both got fired. You have to stop thinking of that shit.

SKIPPY JOE

Yes sir. I’ll try my best.

Skippy Joe salutes General Labor.

GENERAL LABOR

Now little soldier, I need you and our new guy here, Luthor, to run the creamed corn line ok?     kid.

LUTHOR

Ummm, yah, right.

SKIPPY JOE

I know I couldn’t wait to start working here. It’s so fun and awesome.

Luthor tries changing the subject.

LUTHOR

So….what am I supposed to do on this press?

SKIPPY JOE

Ok, first grab some corn and a little bit of this meat here.

Skippy Joe grabs some corn and meat out of a bin and places them into the creamed corn press.

LUTHOR

Meat? Creamed corn isn’t made with meat! What kind of meat is it?

SKIPPY JOE

I’m not sure. They really don’t want us to ask too many questions about the product. They just want to give it a try?

LUTHOR

Umm, sure….ok… a little bit of corn….a little bit of meat…

SKIPPY JOE

Tee Hee….meat….tee hee.

Luthor puts some corn and meat into the press.

LUTHOR

Huh?

SKIPPY JOE

Nothing.

Skippy Joe hit’s the button and the corn and meat are pressed together and it slides down the press chute.

SKIPPY JOE

Ok, now put some more corn and meat in there.

LUTHOR

That seems kinda dangerous doesn’t it? Shouldn’t I be hitting the button? Why does it take two   people to do this job?

SKIPPY JOE

It’s General Labor’s rules. We just do what he says. We don’t ask questions. It’s perfectly safe   anyway.  Just do it or else we’ll get yelled at by the General. He can be really puffy sometimes.  Tee hee.

LUTHOR

Ok, just as long as it’s perfectly safe.

Luthor grabs some more corn and meat and places it into the press.

 LUTHOR

 A little bit of corn …a little meat…

 SKIPPY JOE

 Tee hee…..yummy ….meat.

Skippy Joe is giggling and doesn’t pay attention. Luthor still has his left hand in the press. Skippy Joe hits the button. The press comes down and squishes Luthor’s hand.

LUTHOR

Holy shit! Ouch! What the heck did you do? Owwwww!

Skippy Joe gives a very nervous look and looks around. Luthor brings his arm out of the press and his left hand is missing! The hand is shown sliding down the chute into the huge creamed corn bin.

 LUTHOR

 You little fucker! You squished my hand off! My hand’s gone! Owww!

 SKIPPY JOE

 Oops! Accidents happen. I’m sorry.

General Labor, Bubba and Dave hear Luthor screaming and walk up to investigate.

GENERAL LABOR

What’s going on here? Is there some sort of problem? Luthor you can’t be pulling this crap on

 Ummm, not yet.

Bubba and Dave continue to search.

BUBBA

Wait a minute. I got something. I think I found it.

LUTHOR

Kick-ass. I need my hand back.

Bubba pulls up a video cassette container.

BUBBA

Oh wait a minute. That’s not it.

Bubba reads the title of the tape.

BUBBA

Damnit Skippy Joe!

SKIPPY JOE

Oops!  Sorry. I guess I shouldn’t bring my hobby to work with me! Tee Hee!

Bubba and Dave continue to search but without any luck.

EXT. FRONT OF TV DINNER PLANT-DAY

There is a large crowd assembled in front of the plant. There is an ambulance parked in front.  Two paramedics talk to Luthor.

EXT. AMBULANCE-DAY

PARAMEDIC #1

Wow!  I’ve never seen anybody lose a hand before. One of our patients lost a leg before, but    

BUBBA

Head wound? How did he lose his leg then?

PARAMEDIC #2

We thought he said that he had gangrene and we chopped off his leg on the way to the hospital.

LUTHOR

How the heck did you mistake gangrene with a head wound?

PARAMEDIC #1

Hey, we’re not doctors. Mistakes happen.

The two paramedics practically throw Luthor into the ambulance.

BUBBA

Ha ha ha! I can’t believe he lost his hand on the first day of the job.

DAVE

Don’t laugh Bubba. That would kinda suck losing your hand.

BUBBA

Yah, maybe. But I can laugh since it happened to Luthor instead. Ha ha ha!

General Labor talks to the two paramedics and Luthor inside the ambulance.

GENERAL LABOR

Yah, it doesn’t look too bad. Just a scratch. You’ll be back to work good as new           Plus I’d have the animal rights activists all over me. I’m one of God's peaceful creatures. I don’t         believe in harming any living soul. Well, …except for Danny Tario from Dance Fever. He   deserves to be whipped alive after that show screwed up the youth of the 80s generation.  Those people never did recover from that show.

BJ

Didn’t you say your dad was on that show before Eddie?

Eddie glances down at a picture he is holding. It is a picture of Dave in disco clothes dancing on the Dance Fever show.

EDDIE  

I…ummm…never said that.

BJ

Well, Leonardo.  How about this invention?

BJ scrambles through the black trunk.  He throws a bunch of weird contraptions around. He finally pulls out a big black cube. It has a yellow cone sticking out of the cube.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Fantastisimo! What is it green dude?

BJ

You can’t tell? Hahaha! It’s the Fartistic 3000 and 5 deluxe.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Holy monkey teeth! What’s it do?

BJ gives a proud look.

BJ

Tell him Eddie.

EDDIE

Well, it makes anybody at any time fart instantly. Just point it at a victim and that person will let   deadly, noisy farts flow out of their ass unwillingly.

BJ

Pretty cool huh? Hahaha!

LEONARDO DIABLO

Uhhhhh, I don’t know…

BJ

What do you mean you don’t know? Show him how it works Edward.

Eddie puts on some safety glasses and holds the Fartistics 3000 and 5 deluxe.

EDDIE

Gladly. This thing rules.

BJ

Just turn down the power this time ok? We don’t need the whole city farting again.

EDDIE

Are you talking about that Dallas thing? That chili cook off at least got blamed for it. So that    was that? Ooooh, that felt kinda good, but painful at the same time.

Sue lets out a very loud, spectacular fart.

SUE OINKENBERGER

Ooooh!  I shouldn’t have had those Salisbury steak TV dinners. Oooooh, that felt beautiful. I’ve never had a man make me feel as good as that fart just made me! What’s going on?

Sue lets out another long, breath-taking gas release.

SUE OINKENBERGER

Ahhhhh! Oh my gosh! This rules! I wish I could feel like this 24 hours a day…without the      else’s for that matter. Whoa! Fartacular!

BJ

So, do you want to turn this in for your school project then? It’s a good pick.

 LEONARDO DIABLO

No, I just don’t see my professor buying into it. He doesn’t seem to have a farting type of sense    of humor.

EDDIE

Ahhh, come on. Everybody loves farts deep down.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Not this guy. His attitude smells like Satan’s worst fart after a three day drinking spree while    me. I could never keep track of anything that I owned. Now, I lost my hand. She’s gonna bitch     up a storm this time.

Luthor looks at the TV. He hits some buttons on the remote control. A television commercial comes on.

SINGER ON COMMERCIAL

So,…if you love yourself….Give yourself a hand…..Buy Big Dick’s gloves…your hands are the   most important part of your body….Big Dick’s gloves of love….It’s just not for tug of war contests anymore…you can also wear gloves at social functions too….Big Dick’s gloves…Big   supervisor too! It’s just a scratch?!

INT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING FLOOR-DAY

Bubba and Dave continue to look for Luthor’s hand in the creamed corn bin.

BUBBA

Man, I’m sick of looking for this damn hand. It’s not even my hand. If that guy can’t keep track   of his own damn hand, that’s his problem, not mine.

DAVE

If you lost your hand wouldn’t you want somebody to try helping you find it?

BUBBA

That’s different.

DAVE

How’s that different?

BUBBA

Because they’d be looking for my hand. It would be an honor for them to find it.

DAVE

Man. Just keep looking for it, ok?

Bubba digs his hand deeper into the bin.

BUBBA

Hold on. I think I got something.

Bubba pulls up Luthor’s hand from the bin.

BUBBA

Cool. I got it. It’s kinda like finding the prize from a box of cracker jacks.

DAVE

Kick-ass. Luthor will be happy.

BUBBA

What do you mean?

 DAVE

 You know. Because now he can have his hand back.

BUBBA

I’m not giving him back his hand.

DAVE

What do you mean you’re not giving it back?

BUBBA

He lost it. I found it. So, it’s mine now.

DAVE

That’s bullshit. Give him back his hand!

BUBBA

Naw, I have other plans.

Bubba grins.

INT. LUTHOR’S HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY

Luthor is lying in his hospital bed. Dr. Flemings stands next to Luthor holding Luthor‘s file on a clipboard.

LUTHOR

Am I going to be ok doc?

Dr. Flemings grabs Luthor’s hand-less arm and examines his missing hand.

DR.FLEMINGS

Hmmmm…it looks to be only a scratch. You’ll be perfectly fine.

Dr. Flemings fills out a prescription sheet.

DR.FLEMINGS

Just take 2 of these pills each morning. You’ll be able to go back to work tomorrow.

 LUTHOR

 What?! Are you nuts? I’m missing my hand!

DR.FLEMINGS

Me Me Me! That’s all you patients ever say. Can‘t you people ever trust your physician’s        

NURSE

Quick Dr. Flemings! Missy Funkenstein’s stomach fell out again. We need you in the lobby     right away!

Dr. Flemings starts running out of Luthor’s room.

DR.FLEMINGS

Did you use that super glue like I told you to do?

INT. BJ’S LABORATORY-DAY

BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo are surrounded by chemicals in beakers and other scientific equipment. BJ, Eddie and Leonardo all have goggles on and white scientist coats. BJ has a big psychotic grin on his face while he mixes two chemicals together. Warpig and Warsnake look on from the floor.

BJ

Hmmm, I wonder what will happen if I mix these two together?

EDDIE

No, don’t mix those! Remember, we mixed those last week. …you know…when the firefighters   had to be called?

BJ

Hahaha!  Oh, yah. That seems like a lifetime ago. Hahaha!

BJ trips over Warpig.

BJ

Dang it! Stupid pig. Don’t you have some stupid pride pig rights parade to go to or        out how to make a clone anyhow?

Warpig gets into one of BJ’s chemicals and starts drinking it. His eyes turn bright green.

BJ

Hmmmm, maybe we can find it on the internet.

BJ, Eddie and Leonardo walk over to BJ’s computer. BJ types some stuff onto the keyboard. He types “ How to make a clone”.

EDDIE

Hmmm, nothing is coming up. It looks like we might have to scrap that idea.

WARPIG (in an Australian accent)

Ahhhh, don’t give up matey. Maybe I can give you some pointers now, aye?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Dude! Your pig just talked. I’ve heard talking pigs before, but this time I’m not stoned.

BJ looks down at the ground and sees that Warpig has drunk one of his chemicals.

BJ

Ahhh man…I was trying to save that mix for when I was going to go to the mall to pick up some   chicks. The chicks just love aussies.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa! Aussies! I love how that word sounds.

EDDIE

Are you sure you’re not stoned?

BJ

Hey warpig. What kind of pointers?

WARPIG

Well, first of all. You’re going to need the following items. Grab a notepad my boy.

BJ starts writing on a notepad.

WARPIG

Baking powder…

BJ

Check.

WARPIG

Ravioli…

BJ

Check? Wait a minute…ravioli?

WARPIG

Hey lad. Don’t ask me…I didn’t make the rules…I just follow them.

BJ nods his head.

BJ

Ok, check. What else?

WARPIG

Six day old muskrat meat….

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa! That might be a tuffy.

 BJ

 Check. I won’t ask why this time.

WARPIG

Shampoo, with conditioner…

BJ

Check.

WARPIG

And exactly 2 pounds 4 ounces of kitty litter. And also the blood of whomever you want to      clone. That is all.

Warpig’s eyes turn back to their normal color.

EDDIE

Wow!  That’s it for making a clone? Who would have known?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Yah, some pretty stupid items though.

BJ

Hey Warpig…where did you learn how to make a clone?

Warpig has a blank stare and says nothing.

BJ

Warpig?

Warpig once again says nothing.

BJ

Dang. The chemical must have worn off. I knew it. I told Bubba that pig would come in handy    for something besides breakfast bacon.

Warpig’s eyes get wide open and he goes squealing into the next room.

BJ

Ok, Eddie…you go get the baking powder and the ravioli.

EDDIE

Check.

BJ

I’ll look for the kitty litter and shampoo with conditioner. Leonardo, you go look for the six day   old muskrat meat.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Check. Wait a minute. Why do I have to find the hardest item?

BJ

What? Quit being selfish. Me and Eddie have to look for two items each. You only have to look for one. Plus, it’s your project.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa! I almost forgot. Man, I don’t even know where to look for six day old muskrat meat.

INT. DAVE’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo sit around the living room table. Dave, Bubba, and EG walk in.

BJ

Hi paw!

Bubba gives an angry look.

BJ

How did yer wonderful day at the most exciting career ever invented go today?

Dave gives an upset look.

BUBBA

It was great. This new guy Luthor lost his hand in a stamping press today.

LEONARDO DIABLO

And that’s great how?

BUBBA

Because…

Bubba pulls out a necklace under his shirt. The necklace has Luthor’s hand connected to it.

BUBBA

I got a new kick-ass necklace out of it! Pretty sweet aye?

EDDIE

What the? Ha ha ha! What can you…ha ha …possibly do with somebody else’s hand?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa! That’s messed up!

BUBBA

Oh my gosh! Think about it …the possibilities are endless. You can do almost anything with an   extra hand. Bubba talks while pictures are shown of what he is thinking.

BUBBA

Like, when you want to stir some hot soup. Instead of the pain in the ass looking for a spoon to you do with it?

BUBBA

Well, you know how sometimes after you wipe your ass your finger still smells?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Man, now we’re going into a direction that I don’t even want to hear.

EDDIE

Ha ha ha! Yah…

BUBBA

Now, I can use this hand to do it and my hand will never have to do that job again.

BJ

Hahaha! Will you still not wash that new hand? Hahaha!

DAVE now…it’s mine.

BJ

At least I can say, I’ve never heard a conversation quite like this one. Hey dad, do you want to  whiskey…it’s a dead muskrat!

Rachel Little lets go of the box.

RACHEL LITTLE

Ooopsie! Burrp! My sorry! Accidents happen.

INT. BJ’S LABORATORY-NIGHT

LEONARDO DIABLO

So, how do we make this thing you think?

BJ

Hmmmm, good question. Well, whenever I’m in doubt I like to use my good old reliable ez bake oven.  Maybe we should just mix all of the ingredients together and heat it in the oven?

EDDIE

Hmm, why the hell not?

BJ

Leonardo? It’s your project. What do you think we should do?

LEONARDO DIABLO

Throw it in the oven. I’ll try anything once.

 EDDIE

 Sounds like Sue Oinkenberger. Hahaha!

BJ laughs in agreement. BJ grabs the ingredients and mixes them together in a mixing bowl.  He finally puts in the whole dead muskrat carcass with the mix and places the bowl into the ez bake oven.

LEONARDO DIABLO

I almost forgot about the most important thing…here’s that blood.

Leonardo hands BJ a vial of blood.

BJ

Ummm, whose blood is it anyway?

LEONARDO DIABLO

It’s from a friend of mine.

EDDIE

Ummmm, yah. Ok. What do we do now BJ?

BJ

Just sit and wait now I suppose.

BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo all stare at the oven. Nothing happens.

EDDIE

Man, this sucks. It’s not going to work.

BJ

Sorry Leonardo…I guess we’ll have to find something else for your project.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Man, and I really wanted to make a clone too.

Suddenly, a kick comes from the ez bake oven.

LEONARDO DIABLO

What the heck was that?

BJ pulls out the bowl…a circus midget is in the bowl. The midget silently stares at the three characters.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa! That pig was right! We made a clone. Way too cool indeedy!

EDDIE

Wait a minute!  That clone looks like a circus midget!

Eddie gives Leonardo a peculiar look.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Hey, it’s not easy to get somebody to volunteer to get a clone made of themselves. It’s not easy to walk up to just anybody and ask “hey dude, can I make a copy of you?”

BJ

I knew we could do it! Hahaha!

LEONARDO DIABLO

Professor Fillerstash is going to shit his pants!

EXT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING PLANT-DAY

Cars drive by the plant. Two bums play in front of the building playing cards.

INT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING PLANT-DAY

Bubba and Dave operate the turkey sandwich press. Luthor and Skippy Joe operate the creamed corn press. Luthor operates it with only one hand.

BUBBA

Put in the turkey, Big boy Jerkey! Ha ha!

Dave puts in some turkey and bread into the press. Bubba hits the button and the food is pressed and sent down the press chute.

DAVE

Man Bubba, I think it’s pretty screwed up that you’re keeping Luthor’s hand. He needs that       the stick shift. Besides, that was my ass wiping hand.

BUBBA

Naw. Finders keepers. It’s not my problem that you can’t even keep track of your own hand.    prove it was mine. He’d just keep it. Really, he can’t prove that this is his hand. How am I to    know this is his hand? It could be somebody’s hand named Himey Mcputtygut or something.

LUTHOR

Please Bubba. I need my hand back.

DAVE

Bubba, you know damn well that’s not Himey Mcputtygut’s hand. It’s Luthor’s. So give it back.

BUBBA

I made up my mind. I’m keeping it.

Luthor walks away. A tear runs down his cheek.

LUTHOR (mumbling)

I …I….need…m-m-my….sniff…hand….back!

Dave gives Bubba a disappointed look.

BUBBA

What? Geez! It‘s not my fault he lost it. Losers boozers, winners keepers, that’s what I always    say.

EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING-DAY

College kids walk across the campus grounds.

INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-DAY

Professor Fillerstash stands in front of the room of students. He wears a white lab coat and goggles. He finishes up his class lecture. Leonardo Diablo sits at a desk amongst the other students.

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

….and that is why the human body reacts as it does to green jello. So, just remember what you  everybody an extra five points if you remembered to put your name on your project.

KATIE

Hee Hee! My mom helped me this time, Mr. Professor Millerhash.

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

Ummm, yah….and how do you spell your name again?

There is an uncomfortable silence.

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

Nevermind. Just everybody…throw your reports on my desk on the way out.

The class gets up and the students take turns putting their reports on the Professor’s desk. One report is titled “Milk or beer?  Which is healthier?” Another reads “Pogo sticks and trampolines. Reasons why the two shouldn’t be used together”.  Leonardo Diablo walks up to the desk looking at his report. His report is titled “How to clone a kick-ass circus midget”.

LEONARDO DIABLO (talking to himself)

Oh yah dude. This has an A written all over it. A is for awesome…as in me….oh yah!

INT. LEONARDO’S MEDITATION ROOM-NIGHT

BJ, and Eddie sit at a table. EG walks in. Warpig sneaks behind EG and starts smelling his ass.

WARPIG

Sniff…sniff…sniff…

EG

Hey, what‘s up buddies?

EDDIE

Don’t ever say that again.

BJ

Hahaha!

EG

Man, what a bunch of sorry little bitches! I can’t say anything without someone saying    something to be a cock.

BJ

Maybe if you weren’t such a squirelly little fart devourer,…maybe you could find some friends.

EG

I know when somebody is putting me down.

BJ

I wasn’t putting you down.

Warpig continues to smell EG’s ass. He turns green and goes to the corner and falls to the ground.

BJ

I’m just trying to point out to you that you reek and maybe it’s time for you to do something about it, like maybe jump off a cliff or something.

EG

Shuuuuuuuttttttt uuuuuuppppp!

EDDIE

Man, that’s annoying. I don’t know which is more annoying, the smell or his personality.           unfortunately.

Leonardo Diablo walks in.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Whoa!  I turned in my kick-ass project. Thanks little freaky dudes. I never thought a bear and   with you guys.

BJ

Nobody else hangs out with you because you’re a stupid idiot who annoys people with stupid remarks. My IQ actually goes down whenever I’m with you.

EG

You take that back! You take that back now!

BJ

Screw that! Hahaha!

EG

Did you hear what Bubba did today at the Tv dinner plant? Luthor asked him to give him back  messed up, even for him.

BJ

It looks like I’m going to have to have a son to father talk with him.

EDDIE

Yah, he just can’t go around stealing people‘s hands. That tends to upset people.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Yeah, it seems like there might be some sort of law against it.

Warpig is shaking on the floor with convulsions.

INT. DAVE’S LIVINGROOM-NIGHT

Dave and Bubba sit on the couch watching Tv. Bubba is drinking a beer.

BUBBA

Man, I just thought of another thing I can do with this thing!

DAVE

Man,…I’m afraid to ask. What?

BUBBA

Well, do you remember that game Hands Down?

Dave looks down towards the ground.

DAVE

Ummm….yah…

BUBBA

I can use this as an extra hand. I would have an advantage over my opponent. They’d only have         one cheesy hand. I’d win every time! I’d have two! Yee Haa! Damn, this hand is so awesome!    I think this thing might be my soul mate or something!

DAVE

Bubba, this whole thing is screwed up, you really need to…

The telephone rings. Dave answers the phone.

DAVE (ON THE PHONE)]

Hello?  Yes,…hold on Luthor….

Dave hands the phone to Bubba.

DAVE

It’s for you.

BUBBA (ON THE PHONE)

Yah, what do you want?

LUTHOR (ON THE PHONE)

Ummm, yah….Bubba?….I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor?…ummmm..

BUBBA (ON THE PHONE)

Hurry up Luthor…I’m getting ready to leave to go get my new hand a new manicure.

LUTHOR (ON THE PHONE)

Well, that’s why I called…about my hand….I was wondering if I could have it  back?…I’d give   you some money….

BUBBA (ON THE PHONE)

Money? Are you nuts? If I was to ask you if I could buy your hand off you for a          COMMERCIAL SINGERS

If you love yourself...you will give...if you love money...you will give...HANDS, HANDS          know it’s going to happen and there’s no stopping it.

EG

Give me some damn beans assholes! I wouldn’t stop you from having beans! So give me the    know. Hands are an important piece to everybody’s life. Can I please have my hand back?

Bubba has an angry look on his face.

BUBBA

How many times do I have to say no? I like my new necklace too much.

LUTHOR

Please Bubba....sniff...sniff... I need my hand back.

BUBBA

No thanks.

BJ

Hey,...uhhh...Bubba,....can you pass the potato salad?

BUBBA

I’ll tell you why I won’t give up my hand. This hand is going to change my life....

Bubba passes the potato salad.

EDDIE

Hey Bubba, pass more spam please.

BUBBA

There are so many things I can do with three hands that I couldn’t do before. Now I can flip       wet.....

BJ

Hey Bubba...can u pass Luthor’s hand?

BUBBA

Those are just the start. There are so many other ways this hand will help me. Like working on automobile engines. No more getting my fingers pinched. Now your fingers will get pinched.    Safety first. No more pain for me....

Bubba passes BJ Luthor’s hand. Luthor takes his hand and gets up and leaves.

BJ

Hahaha!

There is an uncomfortable silence. Bubba realizes that he has given up his hand.

BUBBA

Damnit BJ!

BJ

What? Hahaha! Come on! That wasn’t even your hand. You can’t going around stealing         better than he would have.

EG lets out a huge fart.

WILLIAM

Buuuuurrrrpp! ucha yujakowpa! Beeeelllcchhh!

BJ

Hahaha! Damnit EG! That is exactly why we won’t give you the beans.

EXT. DARK ALLEY-NIGHT

Two bums search through some garbage cans.

BUM #1

Damn, sorry Himey McPuttygut...I just don’t see any hands in here....there’s a good old beta      going to do is take a bath with it. Then I’m going to shave it and take it to the finest restaurant      in town! Wendy’s here we come!

BUM #1

You never take me to Wendy’s.

HIMEY MCPUTTYGUT

Well, you’ve never jerked me off either now have you.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

BUM #1

Uhhhh, can’t say that I have. Uhhh, I think it’s time for you to take your medication again         Himey.

HIMEY MCPUTTYGUT

Damn doctors.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-DAY

Leonardo Diablo sits at his desk with the other students. Professor FillerStash lectures to the class.

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

 ….and that is why hamburger flavored bubblegum failed in the US economy, but will always be a hit over in England.

A male student raises his hand.

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

Yes, Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

Uhhhh, professor…what does that have to do with science and what we’re studying now?

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

Absolutely nothing. I just have to fill my quota of wasting your time. Every semester us professors are legally obligated to waste at least 30 hours of your time. And, it looks like, I         puked on them, then I wiped my ass with them. Then I almost threw them out. But, just for   giggles I kept them.

MARY LOU

So, you didn’t like my report on "What if bumblebees ate meat"?

PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH

Uhhh, Mrs. Mary Lou. Every female loves meat. And the last I checked, queen bees were no    trampolines. On your way out, come grab your sorry ass reports.

Leonardo gets up out of his desk and approaches Professor Fillerstash's desk.

LEONARDO DIABLO

I just know that professor dude was talking about my grand report. I aced it this time!

Leonardo grabs his report and looks at the cover of the report. The grade says C. Leonardo looks shocked.

LEONARDO DIABLO

Holy shit! A fucken C? I showed how to create another human being…and I get a fucken C?    to clean that thing.

EG

You can’t prove that I touched Mr. Bubbles nuts.

EDDIE

Holy shit!  We never said that you did!

Everyone laughs at EG.

EG

Everybody shhhhhhhuuuuuuttttt uuuuppppp!

END OF ACT FOUR

THE END

SYNOPSIS:

A cast of unusual characters that work in a TV Dinner manufacturing plant. EG (Which are actually brothers E being the head, and G the body) are the main characters who are actually thousands of years old and have many bad traits, including lying about historical events that they had been to and have very unlikeable personalities. Other characters who work at the TV Dinner plant have become mutants because of EG’s negligence when they tripped and spilt a vial that was stolen from a government lab, into Durnkville’s drinking water. Some employees turned into talking animals, others extremely strong, and some brilliant but crazy.

This cast of characters and their clashing personalities put them in some wacked out and unique positions each episode. A dumpster behind a party store was found to have a portal that leads to the 10th dimension and the characters occasionally travel to this strange and dangerous realm to make their lives even more interesting.