Jeff Aiuto

I Want Your Photograph Comedy ⋄ Animation LOGLINE: After Skippy Joe hires E.G. to take some nude pictures of some of the TV dinner plant employees, the workers try desperately to find out who the culprit is. ACT ONE   INT. TV DINNER PLANT LUNCHROOM – DAY   The Lunchroom is packed with employees. Dave, Red Kneck, and Skippy Joe sit at a table. EG walks up to the table and grabs a seat next to Dave.   SKIPPY JOE Hi little boy. Are you new here?   EG is clearly upset.   EG I’m NOT A LITTLE BOY! Yah, today is my first day. The place looks like it sucks.   SKIPPY JOE You are going to like it here in Durnkville. There are a lot of different things to do here. Lots of good porn shops.   EG I used to live here a long time ago. I had to leave…right away. Umm. Anyhow…what is your name?               EG What was that? I couldn’t understand you.               EG I’m sorry. I still can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying. What’s your name?               EG That’s the most fucked up name I’ve ever heard. If you’re embarrassed by your own name, you shouldn’t be. Your parents should be shot for naming you that. They must both be completely fucked up. Heee heee. That’s fucked.               EG I like it. First of all, it looks good on me. Second of all, if it gets cold, I’m prepared.               DAVE Excuse me. Can you please move your little ass over? (To EG) I have no room here.               DAVE What was that?! I’ll throw you right through that fucken window!               DAVE So Red Kneck, is your divorce finalized yet?   RED KNECK Yah, damn bitch. Six months of marriage down the drain. She even tried getting the damn dog. I should have let her take him. All he does is eat up all my damn food and smoke my cigarettes. Ya know something else? I’m thinking about checking his lazy ass into AA. He’s been drinking all of my beer. I won’t let him drink my whiskey anymore. He just plain gets mean. But, anyhow. You wanted to know about that other damn dog of mine, Veronica? She’s a dumb bitch. She actually told the judge that I didn’t have anything going for me. How in the hell does she figure that?   Red Kneck quickly opens up a can of beer and slams it quickly. He throws the empty can into a bag and then disposes of the bag into the garbage.   Dave rolls his eyes toward the ceiling.               RED KNECK Damn, sixteen. I think this one might be the worst though. I just don’t remember her being as big of a bitch until she married me. Am I doing something wrong?   A lady in her forties walks by the table               LADY I don’t work here               LADY Well! I’ve never been so insulted in all of my life.   The lady walks away furiously.                           EG Why did you do that? What did I do to you?               EG That’s bullshit. One of these days I’m going to take an accident in your shoe.               EG (mumbling under his breath) This is bullshit.   The character’s supervisor General Cliff Labor walks in.               SKIPPY JOE Ohhh! I love creamed corn. You are going to love creamed corn too EG!   INT. SALISBURY STEAK MANUFACTURING LINE – DAY   Dave stands over by his press. Red Kneck pulls up on his fork lift.               RED KNECK All I know is I’m gonna get completely shit faced tonight. I think me and Mr. Bubbles are going to head up north. There’s a  big party going on up there this weekend.               RED KNECK Mr. Bubbles? Oh…he’s doing good. I’ll never let him eat peaches again though. Damn, that was nasty. No. I never got insurance. I really don’t need insurance though. What’s the chance of me hitting somebody else?               RED KNECK Ohh, I’m a careful driver. I never try hitting anybody.               RED KNECK Then, they would owe me some money.   Dave is very puzzled.   INT. CREAMED CORN MANUFACTURING LINE – DAY   Skippy Joe and EG run the creamed corn press.               EG Yah, some fun.               EG Yah, but I hate those skinny chicks in those magazines. I wish the women weighed a bit more.               EG They have to weigh a bare minimum of 300 pounds. I like to play in their rolls. It’s kinda like playing in a big bowl of jello. It’s hard to explain.               EG Well, how much money are we talking about?               EG Whose picture do you want?               EG You want me to take naked pictures of guys?   Skippy Joe looks around nervously.               EG Well…if it’s in the name of art. Then that’s a different story. Ok. I’ll do it.   EG and Skippy Joe both smile.   EXT. BUBBA AND DAVE’S HOUSE – DAY   The house is a typical suburban home.   INT. DAVE’S SHOWER – DAY   Dave is in the middle of taking a shower. He sings some old heavy metal tunes.               DAVE What the hell was that? Bubba is that you? You better not be putting no damn bee hive in my underwear again!   Dave thinks back to the incident. It sends shivers up his spine. Dave realizes that it isn’t Bubba and thinks that he is just hearing things. Dave starts singing again.               DAVE What the fuck was that?!   INT. DAVE’S LIVINGROOM – NIGHT               BUBBA Really? He can’t be any gumpier than that Skippy Joe fucker. I would have made it to work today, except I didn’t feel like going.   The characters laugh together.               WILLIAM Oook akaah Blemshonan…bbbbuuuurrrrpppp!!!               RECEPTIONIST Excuse me Skippy Joe. Are you looking for the latest video starring Rocky Bottoms? I bet you are! How can you resist watching the ass that has had over one million already served?   Skippy Joe can hardly contain himself. He jumps up and down like a little five-year old boy who just ate 20 pixie sticks.               RECEPTIONIST Well. I certainly would have put it another way. How can I not know your tastes? You are only in here every single day. Heck. You pay for my corvette payment every month.   Skippy Joe buys the video and walks out of the store humming an old porn song.   EXT. RED KNECK’S TRAILER – NIGHT   The trailer is old and quite beat up. A bird flies by and shits on his twenty-year old truck. EG looks through his window. He hesitates and walks in slowly into the trailer.   INT. RED KNECK’S BATHROOM – NIGHT   Red Kneck is in the middle of taking a shower.               RED KNECK There won’t be any damn apologizing either. You just keep that crap up and I’ll cut off your cigarette allowance off too.   Red Kneck drops the soap onto the floor. He bends down to pick it up. EG takes a picture and runs hurriedly out of the bathroom. Mr. Bubbles walks into the bathroom as EG leaves. He has a cigarette in his mouth. Red Kneck sees Mr. Bubbles.               EG Here are those pictures Skippy.               EG Well….here’s those photographs. Anyways, do you have my money?               EG Thanks. I’m sure you’ll do great on your art project.               EG I’d like to get a picture of that! Wow! Holy guacamole, what I’d do to play slip and slide in that!!     INT. TV DINNER PLANT LUNCH ROOM – DAY   Dave and Red Kneck enter the lunchroom for a break. There is nobody else in the room.               DAVE What the hell is this?   Red Kneck opens the book up. The two men see nude pictures of them showering.               DAVE I will kill somebody! What sicko wants these pictures?   Dave turns the page and sees more pictures of the two men. There is one picture with Dave’s picture cut out and pasted onto one of Red Kneck’s shower pictures. It has a twinkie like substance spilt next to it. Dave’s eyes bulge out of his head.               RED KNECK Yah….I can’t believe this bull-shit…and it took the cake when I seen the picture with Dave’s picture pasted onto my shower photograph. I’m gonna fucken kill.   Dave gives a look like he is going to go massacre somebody.               DAVE Yah, really funny. You’d be killing people if it happened to you.               DAVE Well, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I WILL find out who did this and they WILL die!               BUBBA Ha Ha Ha! This Fucken Rules!               EG How’s it going big guys?               DAVE Fuck you.   EG gives a look of concern.               RED KNECK Some little bastard has been taking pictures of me and Dave in the shower. We found a photo album with the pictures in it in the lunchroom today.               BUBBA Well. I’ll let you boys enjoy the rest of your day. I have to go meet that one chick tonight. Be careful taking showers tonight! Maybe you two should take one together just to be safe! Ha Ha Ha!   Bubba makes a square camera shape with his fingers and pretends to take a snap-shot of Dave. He then sings “Photograph” by Def Leppard as he exits the bar.               RED KNECK Yah, I think I’m going to hit the couch, drink a few out of my fridge, and wait for that cock to show up with his camera tonight. Then, I’m going to tie his cock to my antenna until the next lightning storm comes.   Red Kneck starts walking towards the bar exit door. Dave isn’t paying attention and is looking at a cute girl who has just walked into the bar.               RED KNECK What?! What did you say?               RED KNECK Whatever that means little boy.               RED KNECK Ha Ha Ha! Little shit.   EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE BAR – NIGHT               DAVE I don’t know. But if I do catch him, his body will be spread through every state. New York. Pittsburgh. New Connecticut….everywhere.               DAVE Hell, I could have told you that. You still are. In fact you’re a cock too.               DAVE That was just a TV show wasn’t it?               DAVE I guess I never really thought about it.               DAVE Well, that’s a lot of money.               DAVE Ok, just find the future dead fucker!               SKIPPY JOE How does this look mommy?   Skippy Joe holds up his blanket. It has a picture of Liberace playing the piano on the blanket.               SKIPPY JOE Yay for me!! Tee Hee!   Mr. Dupree (Skippy Joe’s father) Walks into the living room.               MRS. DUPREE Oh, knock it off honey. Skippy is just showing me his latest and greatest. He just finished another blanky.   Skippy Joe holds up his blanket to show his dad. But seems unsure of himself showing it to him.               MRS. DUPREE Don’t you think that you’re being a little too hard on him?               MRS. DUPREE Oh kitten, don’t let your father bring you down just because you do things that you love.   Skippy Joe looks up at his mom.               SKIPPY JOE Hmm, what movie should I play today? “Big Bouncing Balls” sounds very delightful.   Skippy Joe’s computer beeps and a naked woman pops up. It says “you got mail”.               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Hello…Dick Mchammer. Welcome to Superporn Magazine my friend.               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Oh, that is quite sensational! Can you send the pictures to me via e-mail?   INT. SKIPPY JOE’S BASEMENT – DAY               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Well, that is splendid news. Well, send me those photographs. But there is only one catch. After I take a look at the pictures, you only have twenty-four hours to give me permission to publish them because of that last scandal you pulled ok? We don’t need any more retired circus midgets trying to knock down our door this time, understand?               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Well, both of us are better men now because of it aren’t we?               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Ok, just remember what I said. E-mail me those photographs and then you MUST respond to my e-mail within twenty-four hours in order for the deal to be effective.               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) What?!               DICK MCHAMMER (On the phone) Bye?!   EXT. MARY MACH’S HOUSE – DAY   This house is a very old-fashioned home with a white picket fence in the front yard and a big apple tree in the front yard also. There is a big porch with a swinging chair in front of the house. Many flowers surround the home.   INT. MARY MACH’S FRONT PORCH – DAY   Mary Mach, Rachel Little, Stephanie Heffer and Louise Van Drunken sit on the porch drinking beer and doing shots of whiskey on this sunny day.               RACHEL LITTLE (Clearly drunk) Oh…yooouuu…waaanntt…to p-p-plaayy that game….do yaa?               LOUISE VAN DRUNKEN Have any of you ladies seen my niece Sue Oinkenberger today? She was supposed to call me today. She is so popular with the guys. They know a winner when they see one.   Louise Van Drunken takes a huge drink off of her beer. Rachel Little itches her crotch.               STEPHANIE HEFFER Holy shit! Look at the dupa on that one! Hey honey, how would you like to take a jello bath with me? You’d make my millennium! Buuuurrrrppp!!   The man picks up his speed and puts his head down as he is clearly embarrassed.               STEPHANIE HEFFER He can run, but he can’t hide. Hee Hee.   Mary Mach jumps up.               LOUISE VAN DRUNKEN No, I think it might be your microwave.   Brrrriiinnnggg. The telephone rings again.               MARY MACH Louise, can you go get the phone girlfriend?               MARY MACH Damnit Louise. You, dumb bitch. That was twelve years ago.   The telephone call has ended.               DICK MCHAMMER Hi Skippy Joe. This is Dick, the editor of SuperPorn magazine. I sent you that e-mail. Remember what I said. If you don’t send that email back to me within twenty-four hours, then those pictures of your co-workers Dave and Red Kneck will not be published. So, hurry up. Hope to see those photos published soon. Talk to ya later Skippy.   Mary Mach walks back onto the porch and sits down. Rachel Little is still passed out on the floor.               STEPHANIE HEFFER Who did the person ask for?               LOUISE VAN DRUNKEN I’ll say it is!   EXT. EG’S BOX HOME IN THE ALLEY – DAY   The box is made out of cardboard and is not big at all. EG can barely fit into it. It is at the end of the alley and is surrounded by garbage. Tadpole walks up to the box. He looks at the exterior and then peaks his head into the box.   INT. EG’S BOX HOME IN THE ALLEY – DAY               TADPOLE Hiiii. Are you alive?   Tadpole throws an M-80 explosive by EG’s ear. EG jumps up suddenly.               EG My name is EG. Well. I pretty much never asked anything about your past history. But, ok. How long ago did that happen?               EG No. Actually I just moved back into town. I lived here umm…twenty years ago but something happened and I had to leave town right away unfortunately.   EG has a dream sequence of the event that happened twenty years ago.   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY   EG is being chased by two men dressed like scientists. They are wearing long white coats. EG is carrying some strange liquid in a clear bottle.               SCIENTIST #1 Give us back our formula! That liquid is of no use to you!               SCIENTIST #2 That formula will do more harm than good. Give it back. It will screw up the world if it isn’t in the right person’s hands.   EG continues to run from the scientists. Just then, a dog leaps up and bites EG right in his ass. EG screams and continues to run with the dog attached to his ass.               SCIENTIST #1 Please, in the name of science. Give us back our potion.               SCIENTIST #2 We’ll give you the money. Just give it back to us!   EG slows down. There are three little boys playing by a fire hydrant. A dog is also nearby. EG looks at the scientists. Suddenly out of nowhere, a frisbee hits EG right in the groin. EG drops the formula onto the ground. The formula splatters on the three boys and the dog. There are also a couple frogs nearby that some of the formula splattered on them.               SCIENTIST #2 We must call the paramedics immediately!               TADPOLE Oh really? What was that? Why did you have to leave? EG? EG?               TADPOLE Why don’t you live in a normal home? Can’t you afford it?   First of all, I don’t pay taxes. I DO NOT give my money away. Especially to those people in the government. I like to save my money. So, I try not to ever spend it. Everything is taxed. It sucks. It’s a bunch of bullshit. The IRS can kiss my ass. Why spend money on all of that shit anyways? I was broke before. I don’t ever want that to happen again. All I know is that I want to find a nice chick to hang out with and she would surely love my home.               EG Hell no! Are you nuts? I like the one behind her though.   A brunette weighing approximately four-hundred pounds eating twinkies walks behind the blonde.               EG I’d rock her boat.               EG What’s that supposed to mean? Are you putting me down?               EG Oh, ok. Just wondering.   EXT. DAVE AND BUBBA’S HOUSE – NIGHT   It is a nice day in the neighborhood.   INT. DAVE AND BUBBA’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Dave paces back and forth in the living room. Bubba and William are sitting on the couch in front of the TV.               BUBBA Yah Dave. Sit down and relax.               BUBBA Then do something about it.               BUBBA Gee, that’s a good move. He seems trustworthy. (In a sarcastic tone)               BUBBA I couldn’t have said it any better William. How in the hell do you know that this sicko doesn’t have any more elaborate plans like publishing them in a magazine or something?               BUBBA Kinda different.   A big fat bearded man named Uncle Donny appears on the television screen.               BUBBA Maybe somebody’s beating their meat to your pictures Dave! Ha Ha Ha!   Dave has a pissed off look on his face.               BUBBA Salami anyone? Ha Ha Ha.   Dave looks like he is going to kill.   EXT. SUE OINKENBERGER’S TRAILER – NIGHT   The trailer is beat up and old. Weeds grow around the trailer. An old tractor sits in front of the trailer. It looks as though it has not been used in years.   INT. SUE OINKENBERGER’S BEDROOM - NIGHT   Sue and Glover are lying in bed naked and Glover is smoking a cigarette. Glover gets up and doesn’t say a word. He leaves the bedroom. Moments later we hear the front door slam as he leaves the trailer.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh, hi Aunt Louise? Oh, I’ve been busy going to church and raising money for the homeless. Yah, you know me.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Oh, I had a hot beef injection so I feel much better….ummm….I mean…               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Yah, the flu. I still have gook in my mouth….oh, never mind.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Really? What was that message about?               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Oh Oinkenbergers! I think somebody is going to murder someone!               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) I’ll tell you later. I have to call someone first. Hopefully I can calm him down before he hears this from somebody else.   END OF ACT TWO   ACT THREE   EXT. BIG DICK’S NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT – NIGHT   The building is in rough shape. A large neon sign with a large woman bending over, lights up the front of the building. EG and Skippy Joe walk in the front door.   INT. BIG DICK’S NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT – NIGHT   Skippy Joe has a grin from ear to ear as he looks at the beautiful women on stage. A slightly overweight woman is on stage topless. She puts a beaver back in its cage.               ANNOUNCER Wow! I can’t say that I’ve seen a beaver give mouth to mouth to another beaver before. That’s a first for me. Next up we have Beautiful Janie Lou. She drives a semi for Sugar Twin Pies during her free time. Her hobbies include bathing with naked elephants and steam rolling pedestrians on the sidewalk with her huge rolls of flab. Give it up for…..Janie….of the jungle!   Two men in the crowd barely clap. An elephant trumpet blares loud on the PA system as she walks out onto the stage.               SKIPPY JOE Umm,….yah….               DAVE Man! There’s that screwball EG and Skippy Joe. I hope they don’t spot us. I’m in no mood for them.               EG Hi pals.               WAITRESS Hi Skippy Joe! How’s it going my sweetheart? You haven’t been in here in two nights. Have you been sick or something? All of us girls have missed you. You never miss wet and wild Wednesdays.               WAITRESS Oh Skippy Joe! You’re so funny!   Skippy Joe gives her a twenty for a tip and the waitress walks away.               RED KNECK No shit! I’m going to cut the nuts off of the freak. Then I’m going to sprinkle salt all over his nuts and stick leeches on them. Then I’m going to throw them in my blender. After I let my blender run for a good twenty to thirty minutes, I’ll pour the remains into a bag full of cement and I’m going to bury the bag in my backyard. I’ll make sure he never gets his balls back again.               RED KNECK Well boys. I have to get going. I’m going to sit on my front porch with my shotgun waiting for the pervert. Give me a call if you hear anything about his whereabouts.               RED KNECK Just make sure you keep him alive long enough to let me take some shots on him.   Skippy Joe is noticeably nervous.               DAVE Yah. I’m sure he’s a former nobel peace prize winner. All I know is he’s dead as soon as I catch him.   A big man dressed in a dick costume walks up and is noticeably drunk.               BUBBA Sure, what do you have?               SKIPPY JOE It’s spectacular. Take my word on this one.               BUBBA William says that he loves chicken noodle soup. Sure. Pour us all a shot.   Dick pulls out five shot glasses from his back pocket and starts bending down.               DICK I’m pouring you..hiccup…your shots…hiccup.   Dick continues and pours the shots out of his penis head and into the glasses. Skippy Joe doesn’t hesitate. He grabs a glass and throws down a shot down his throat. He has a chicken noodle dripping from his chin.               DAVE Great. Now I’m slamming noodles from a guy dressed in a penis costume. My life has gone to shit.   Two young strippers walk up to the table.               STRIPPER #1 Oh, by the way. I have those pictures for you. Five hundred dollars a piece now ok?               EG I would stay and listen to your boys problems, but I have a hottie to attend to.   EG looks up at the stage. There is a huge four-hundred pound woman dancing. EG takes a shot and walks towards the stage.               RED KNECK Damnit Mr. Bubbles! That’s your fifth cigarette in the past twenty minutes. You gotta cut down or get a damn job. I’m sick of this free-loading bullshit. I bust my ass everyday at that plant while you sit here all-day smoking cigarettes and watching that damn Oprah. Can’t you do something productive with your time, like cleaning this fucken house?   Mr. Bubbles looks up and cuts a major fart. A green bubble comes out of his ass and floats towards the ceiling fan.               RED KNECK (ON THE PHONE) Hello? What the fuck do you want Veronica? No, you can’t have my damn bar-b-que. I bought it before we ever met. And besides that, my wife before I married you, just won it in last month’s court judgment. I can’t help it if I was married to that dumb bitch before I was married to your homely little ass. Yah….I’m a loser. Thank god you remind me. I almost forgot.   Red Kneck hangs up the phone. Red Kneck starts walking towards the living room.               RED KNECK That’s it. I’m telling that wicked witch off this time.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Hello Red?               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) It’s me Sue. Why are you so crabby?               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Well, I hate to make your mood even worse. I have horrible news.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) No.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Now Red don’t get carried away. There may just be some sort of misunderstanding. You fellas just need to sit down and talk things out. I’m sure there’s some logical explanation for all of this.               SUE OINKENBERGER (ON THE PHONE) Now, now Red just take a min..   Red Kneck hangs up the phone. He dials Dave’s number up.               DAVE (ON THE PHONE) Did you find out who mr. pervert is?               RED KNECK So anyways, William. We need to use your computer to hack that email to make sure that Skippy Joe doesn’t approve those pictures to get published. If he hasn’t done that already.               RED KNECK Just hold your horses Dave. First we need to stop that email, then we need to find out who was taking those pictures for that freak.               WILLIAM (YELLING TO HIS MOTHER) Buuurrrpppp! Thwackk. Beeelllcchhh!!!   There is an uncomfortable silence. Red Kneck and Dave look at each other in shock.               DAVE Here is his email! We got him!   William clicks on Skippy Joe’s name. The guys watch in amazement as tons of porn of women, men, circus animals, and sex toys dance across the computer screen. Big letters appear on the screen saying “Welcome to Skippy Joe’s email. Porn music plays in the speakers.               DAVE This is completely fucked up. He’s kind of the king of perverts. And what the hell was up with that circus chimp, cheetah and that vibrating razor? Is that legal?               RED KNECK Yah that dancing clam swallowing the hot dog wasn’t expected either.   Porn music continues to play through the speakers. A young woman's voice says “Oh Skippy! Pour that peanut butter on me! Oh Skippy! You’re the man!”               WILLIAM Beelllcchhh!!!   William clicks the mouse.               DAVE Fuck yah we do!               EMPLOYEE #1 Yep, nothing beats good old peanut butter. We should make some sort of peanut butter dinner at the plant ya know?               SKIPPY JOE Ummm. What’s the matter David?   Red Kneck pulls up on his fork lift next to the press. The heavy press stamps automatically every five seconds.               SKIPPY JOE What do you mean good old buddy?   Dave grabs Skippy Joe by the head. His head is near the stamping press.               SKIPPY JOE I’m so sorry. I never meant any harm.               SKIPPY JOE I found them in Red Kneck’s dresser drawer.   Dave looks at Red Kneck.               DAVE Tell me the truth right fucken now!   Skippy Joe hesitates. His head moves closer to the stamping press.               DAVE I should have known.   Red Kneck uses the forks of his forklift and the forks lift Skippy Joe up by his groin. The forks lift him up in the air and Red Kneck drops him into the orange jello bin. Employees surrounding the incident applaud.               EMPLOYEE #4 Yay for Dave and Red Kneck! That bastard made my wife leave me because she saw pictures of me that he took and she left me thinking that I messed around!   EXT. DURNKVILLE FOOTBALL STADIUM – DAY   Thousands of people rush out of the stadium. Children hold their parents hands as they go through the exit gates.               DAVE I can’t wait to crush someone's skull.               DAVE (MUMBLING) Little fucken dick….   Bubba turns on the showers.               DAVE I got you, you little fucker! I’m gonna kick your little boy ass!   Dave throws EG up against the wall.               BUBBA Like that’s a reason to do what you did? That’s fucked up!               BUBBA Don’t tell me to shut up!               DAVE This is bull shit! I get to kick his ass first! Give him to me! He’s mine!               EG Shhhhuuuutttt uppp and fuck you!               RED KNECK Ok. For the last time. Who is the most kick-ass person in this room?               BUBBA Are you trying to say that I’m not the most kick-ass person here?               BUBBA What!!   Bubba flushes the toilet. EG’s head goes under water and he is given a swirlie.               EG (CRYING) Bubba is. Wait. No. Red Kneck. Ummm…   Red Kneck flushes the toilet and EG again gets drenched in the toilet.               EG (CRYING) That ain’t fucken fair! I can’t even tell what mr. burps even said!   EG is again drenched in the toilet. The characters laugh.   END OF ACT FOUR   THE END

Eggs Anyone? Comedy ⋄ Animation LOGLINE: After the mutants get stuck in the 10th dimension following being transported there by a garbage dumpster hidden behind a store, they desperately try to find a way back home as they have to try to outsmart odd creatures who reside in that strange world. ACT ONE EXT. FROG’S STORE DAY   It’s a nice summer day. People walk down the sidewalk shopping.   INT. FROG’S STORE-DAY   EG is at the counter talking to Frog. William, Bubba, and Dave walk in.   FROG Hiiiii boys.   Dave nods in acknowledgement.   BUBBA What are you doing here you little freak?   EG (MUMBLING) ....fuck you...   BUBBA WHAT?!   EG Nothing.   DAVE What smells like rotten potatoes in here?   Everybody looks at EG.   EG Don’t look at me. I just took a bath over a month ago.   Bubba looks up in the air in disgust.   BUBBA Yer a stinky bastard! Ha Ha Ha!   EG You take that back right now!   BUBBA Yah right, what are you going to do? Kick my ass? Ha Ha Ha!   EG Bullshit. That’s what it is...total bullshit.   Frog looks through his mail while the characters argue with EG. He opens a letter up and reads it to himself.   DAVE If you stink so bad, why don’t you do something about it? Like taking a bath or something?   EG I’m a busy person. I don’t have time for such nonsense.   BUBBA Nonsense? Ha Ha Ha! Taking a bath is nonsense? How in the hell can you even stand being around yourself? And putting on something else besides an old raggedy snowmobile suit might help too. If you don’t do it for yourself, at least shower every once in a while for the people around you. Geez.   EG Take a bath.... take a shower... . water..... shhhhuuuuuuttttuuuuuupppp!!!   FROG Hey boys look at this mail I got today. It’s about betting on a ChippyChomga race. I think I might do it.   EG What the hell is a ChippyChomga?   FROG _

Gotta Hand it to You Comedy ⋄ Animation LOGLINE: After a horrible accident occurs at the TV dinner plant, the employees try convincing Bubba to give the new employee something back to him that he rightfully owns. ACT ONE   EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE-DAY   INT. PRESIDENT’S ROOM-DAY   Dave sits behind the president’s desk.  He is signing some documents.  A man dressed in a black suit rushes into the room.                              Mr. President!                              Uhhhhh?!  Yes?                              Secretary of Defense Dustin Diamond from TV’s grandest of shows “Saved by the Bell” just told me that it is highly necessary to bomb Mexico.                              Ummmm…Dustin Diamond is Secretary of Defense?  How in the hell did that   happen?                              President Don Rickles made it your first priority to bring him to your cabinet.                              PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT Well, anyway Mr. President…what should I tell Dustin Diamond what your orders are with this Mexico problem?                              PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT Sir? You’re joking right?  Their president has threatened to take all of the TV dinner plants in America and move them to their country.  This would demolish our great American economy. The world’s hands would be tied and Mexico would rule the world!    DAVE  What the?!    PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT Sir, I need an answer now.  The state of the nation and the world is resting on your answer.        What should we do sir?  What should I tell Dustin Diamond?   A loud buzzing noise echoes throughout the white house.   DAVE What the heck is that noise?   PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT Oh no!  Mexico must have already decided to start bombing us!  Sir, what should we do?   The buzzing continues.   PRESIDENT’S ASSISTANT President Dave?  What should we do?  President Dave?   INT. DAVE’S BEDROOM-MORNING   Dave is being shaken by BJ and Eddie.  They are trying to wake up Dave.    BJ  Get bent Dave!  You’re lying on some Poo!   There is a big pile of pig crap laying on Dave’s bed.  Dave is close to rolling in it.    DAVE  I don’t know what to tell Dustin Diamond!    BJ  Dustin Diamond!  Ha ha ha.  You’re dad’s having dreams about Dustin Diamond!   Eddie looks embarrassed.   EDDIE No he’s not!  There’s got to be some sort of gross mistake. Right dad? Please dad...tell me that Diamond that they were going to take all of our TV dinner plants and move them to their        moons ago.   EDDIE You knew Abraham Lincoln?   EG Yah.  This is gonna sound kind of funny.  But I’m over 3,000 years old.  It’s kind of     embarrassing to talk about.    BJ  Now, I’ve heard everything.    EG  Anyhow, Me and Abe were sitting on the ice…   EG has a dream sequence.   EXT. ICE SHANNY ON POTOMAC RIVER-DAY   INT. ICE SHANNY-DAY   EG And Abraham Lincoln sit on seats with fishing lines fishing for fish. ABRAHAM LINCOLN So EG.  I really need your advice.  What should I do?  Should I invade Alaska?   EG Well Abie.  I say just hold your horses.  Let Alaska come to you.  Why waste all of  your energy?  It’s just gonna upset some people if you invade them now.  Just wait.  They’ll want to give   Alaska away sooner or later.   EG lifts his fishing pole up.  He caught a big huge fish.   ABRAHAM LINCOLN Thank you EG.  This country would never survive without your expert advice.   EG Hey Abie.  That’s what friends are for.  Don’t mention it.   INT. DAVE’S BEDROOM-DAY   BJ That’s the biggest crock I’ve ever heard. That didn’t happen at all? Is that all you do Is lie?    EG  Shut up!  It happened! It really did. You’re just jealous!   Bubba  walks into the room.   BJ You’re a friggen little liar!  Ha ha ha!   EG (crying) No I’m not!   BUBBA EG, you’re a liar. Dave…hurry up.  We‘re late for work.   EG (crying) I am not!   DAVE Oh crap.  I forgot we have to work today.  It sucks working on Saturdays.   EG, Bubba, and Dave walk out of the bedroom.   EDDIE We have to find something to do today BJ.  Any ideas?   BJ This town sucks.  We’re going to have to liven this place up.   BJ gives an evil smirk.  Eddie smiles.   EDDIE I’m sure we’ll figure something out.   EXT. BUBBA’S CAR-DAY   EG, Dave, and Bubba jump into his huge green faded 1982 Cadillac.   INT. BUBBA’S CAR-DAY   Bubba drives his Cadillac.  EG sits in the back seat.   BUBBA Man, we gotta hurry today or else we’re going to be late again.  I don’t feel like listening to that little pipsqueak General labor dog us again.   DAVE Yah, just get us there safely today, Bubba.   Bubba starts driving down the road.   BUBBA What’s that supposed to mean?  I’m probably the safest driver on the planet.   Dave looks quietly and nervously out the passenger window.   BUBBA I’ve never been hit by any other car before.   DAVE Yah, you just hit them.  You cause all kinds of accidents behind you.   Bubba is driving exceptionally fast.  He swerves around cars and beeps his horn if somebody is in his way.    BUBBA  How do you figure?  If I’m such a bad driver, then why don’t I ever get any tickets?   Bubba nearly hits another car.  The car beeps his horn and the driver waves his fist in the air.   EG Man, slow down a little bit Bubba.   BUBBA If I slow down, we’ll be late.   Sweat pores down Dave’s forehead. Bubba continues to drive at a very high speed.   DAVE Just chill out a little Bubba. That’s all I’m trying to say.   Bubba gets right on the bumper of the car in front of him.  Bubba beeps his horn.   BUBBA Get moving Jackass!   Bubba drives up on the sidewalk.  People scream and dive out of the way.   EG (crying) We’re all going to die!   BUBBA Man, knock it off knuckleheads.  That one wasn’t even close.   Dave sweats even more.   EXT. LEONARDO DIABLO‘S HOUSE- DAY   The house is surrounded by very beautiful flowers and bushes. The house has a very modern look. Leonardo is in the front yard planting some new flowers.   EXT. LEONARDO DIABLO’S FRONT YARD- DAY   BJ and Eddie walk down the sidewalk.  They see Leonardo planting flowers and walk up to him.   BJ Ha ha ha!  How’s it going hippie dude?   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa!  What’s up freaky dudes?  I’ve never seen you in town before. Are you  new to our        Community College that I need to work on this weekend. I’m having trouble in the class. I don’t know why. I usually do good in science classes. But, this semester I’m having problems. I         company treats everybody with complete respect and loves each and one of its employees and…   General Labor sees Skippy Joe putting labels on the TV dinner containers. He and Luthor walk up to the creamed corn press.   GENERAL LABOR What the fuck are you doing Skippy Joe? How many damn times do I have to tell you, you have   to stamp those labels with THIS stamp. Are you a dumb ass or what? Geez.   Luthor looks up in the air.   SKIPPY JOE I’m sorry Mr. Supervisor sir. I forgot. I was thinking of other things.   GENERAL LABOR Were you thinking of porn again?   Skippy Joe looks at the ground and starts twisting his foot.    SKIPPY JOE  Well, yah, but…   GENERAL LABOR How many damn times do I have to tell you…stop that shit. We can’t have another creamed corn mess, Ok? Me and you almost both got fired. You have to stop thinking of that shit.   SKIPPY JOE Yes sir. I’ll try my best.   Skippy Joe salutes General Labor.   GENERAL LABOR Now little soldier, I need you and our new guy here, Luthor, to run the creamed corn line ok?     kid.   LUTHOR Ummm, yah, right.   SKIPPY JOE I know I couldn’t wait to start working here. It’s so fun and awesome.   Luthor tries changing the subject.   LUTHOR So….what am I supposed to do on this press?   SKIPPY JOE Ok, first grab some corn and a little bit of this meat here.   Skippy Joe grabs some corn and meat out of a bin and places them into the creamed corn press.   LUTHOR Meat? Creamed corn isn’t made with meat! What kind of meat is it?   SKIPPY JOE I’m not sure. They really don’t want us to ask too many questions about the product. They just want to give it a try?   LUTHOR Umm, sure….ok… a little bit of corn….a little bit of meat…   SKIPPY JOE Tee Hee….meat….tee hee.   Luthor puts some corn and meat into the press.   LUTHOR Huh?   SKIPPY JOE Nothing.   Skippy Joe hit’s the button and the corn and meat are pressed together and it slides down the press chute. SKIPPY JOE Ok, now put some more corn and meat in there.   LUTHOR That seems kinda dangerous doesn’t it? Shouldn’t I be hitting the button? Why does it take two   people to do this job?   SKIPPY JOE It’s General Labor’s rules. We just do what he says. We don’t ask questions. It’s perfectly safe   anyway.  Just do it or else we’ll get yelled at by the General. He can be really puffy sometimes.  Tee hee.   LUTHOR Ok, just as long as it’s perfectly safe.   Luthor grabs some more corn and meat and places it into the press.    LUTHOR  A little bit of corn …a little meat…    SKIPPY JOE  Tee hee…..yummy ….meat.   Skippy Joe is giggling and doesn’t pay attention. Luthor still has his left hand in the press. Skippy Joe hits the button. The press comes down and squishes Luthor’s hand.   LUTHOR Holy shit! Ouch! What the heck did you do? Owwwww!   Skippy Joe gives a very nervous look and looks around. Luthor brings his arm out of the press and his left hand is missing! The hand is shown sliding down the chute into the huge creamed corn bin.    LUTHOR  You little fucker! You squished my hand off! My hand’s gone! Owww!    SKIPPY JOE  Oops! Accidents happen. I’m sorry.   General Labor, Bubba and Dave hear Luthor screaming and walk up to investigate.   GENERAL LABOR What’s going on here? Is there some sort of problem? Luthor you can’t be pulling this crap on  Ummm, not yet.   Bubba and Dave continue to search.   BUBBA Wait a minute. I got something. I think I found it.   LUTHOR Kick-ass. I need my hand back.   Bubba pulls up a video cassette container.   BUBBA Oh wait a minute. That’s not it.   Bubba reads the title of the tape.   BUBBA Damnit Skippy Joe!   SKIPPY JOE Oops!  Sorry. I guess I shouldn’t bring my hobby to work with me! Tee Hee!   Bubba and Dave continue to search but without any luck.   EXT. FRONT OF TV DINNER PLANT-DAY   There is a large crowd assembled in front of the plant. There is an ambulance parked in front.  Two paramedics talk to Luthor.   EXT. AMBULANCE-DAY   PARAMEDIC #1 Wow!  I’ve never seen anybody lose a hand before. One of our patients lost a leg before, but     BUBBA Head wound? How did he lose his leg then?   PARAMEDIC #2 We thought he said that he had gangrene and we chopped off his leg on the way to the hospital.   LUTHOR How the heck did you mistake gangrene with a head wound?   PARAMEDIC #1 Hey, we’re not doctors. Mistakes happen.   The two paramedics practically throw Luthor into the ambulance.   BUBBA Ha ha ha! I can’t believe he lost his hand on the first day of the job.   DAVE Don’t laugh Bubba. That would kinda suck losing your hand.   BUBBA Yah, maybe. But I can laugh since it happened to Luthor instead. Ha ha ha!   General Labor talks to the two paramedics and Luthor inside the ambulance.   GENERAL LABOR Yah, it doesn’t look too bad. Just a scratch. You’ll be back to work good as new           Plus I’d have the animal rights activists all over me. I’m one of God's peaceful creatures. I don’t         believe in harming any living soul. Well, …except for Danny Tario from Dance Fever. He   deserves to be whipped alive after that show screwed up the youth of the 80s generation.  Those people never did recover from that show.   BJ Didn’t you say your dad was on that show before Eddie?   Eddie glances down at a picture he is holding. It is a picture of Dave in disco clothes dancing on the Dance Fever show.   EDDIE   I…ummm…never said that.   BJ Well, Leonardo.  How about this invention?   BJ scrambles through the black trunk.  He throws a bunch of weird contraptions around. He finally pulls out a big black cube. It has a yellow cone sticking out of the cube.   LEONARDO DIABLO Fantastisimo! What is it green dude?   BJ You can’t tell? Hahaha! It’s the Fartistic 3000 and 5 deluxe.   LEONARDO DIABLO Holy monkey teeth! What’s it do?   BJ gives a proud look.   BJ Tell him Eddie.   EDDIE Well, it makes anybody at any time fart instantly. Just point it at a victim and that person will let   deadly, noisy farts flow out of their ass unwillingly.   BJ Pretty cool huh? Hahaha! LEONARDO DIABLO Uhhhhh, I don’t know…   BJ What do you mean you don’t know? Show him how it works Edward.   Eddie puts on some safety glasses and holds the Fartistics 3000 and 5 deluxe.   EDDIE Gladly. This thing rules.   BJ Just turn down the power this time ok? We don’t need the whole city farting again.   EDDIE Are you talking about that Dallas thing? That chili cook off at least got blamed for it. So that    was that? Ooooh, that felt kinda good, but painful at the same time.   Sue lets out a very loud, spectacular fart.   SUE OINKENBERGER Ooooh!  I shouldn’t have had those Salisbury steak TV dinners. Oooooh, that felt beautiful. I’ve never had a man make me feel as good as that fart just made me! What’s going on?   Sue lets out another long, breath-taking gas release.   SUE OINKENBERGER Ahhhhh! Oh my gosh! This rules! I wish I could feel like this 24 hours a day…without the      else’s for that matter. Whoa! Fartacular!   BJ So, do you want to turn this in for your school project then? It’s a good pick.    LEONARDO DIABLO No, I just don’t see my professor buying into it. He doesn’t seem to have a farting type of sense    of humor.   EDDIE Ahhh, come on. Everybody loves farts deep down.   LEONARDO DIABLO Not this guy. His attitude smells like Satan’s worst fart after a three day drinking spree while    me. I could never keep track of anything that I owned. Now, I lost my hand. She’s gonna bitch     up a storm this time.   Luthor looks at the TV. He hits some buttons on the remote control. A television commercial comes on.   SINGER ON COMMERCIAL So,…if you love yourself….Give yourself a hand…..Buy Big Dick’s gloves…your hands are the   most important part of your body….Big Dick’s gloves of love….It’s just not for tug of war contests anymore…you can also wear gloves at social functions too….Big Dick’s gloves…Big   supervisor too! It’s just a scratch?!   INT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING FLOOR-DAY   Bubba and Dave continue to look for Luthor’s hand in the creamed corn bin.   BUBBA Man, I’m sick of looking for this damn hand. It’s not even my hand. If that guy can’t keep track   of his own damn hand, that’s his problem, not mine.   DAVE If you lost your hand wouldn’t you want somebody to try helping you find it?   BUBBA That’s different.   DAVE How’s that different?   BUBBA Because they’d be looking for my hand. It would be an honor for them to find it.   DAVE Man. Just keep looking for it, ok?   Bubba digs his hand deeper into the bin.   BUBBA Hold on. I think I got something.   Bubba pulls up Luthor’s hand from the bin.   BUBBA Cool. I got it. It’s kinda like finding the prize from a box of cracker jacks.   DAVE Kick-ass. Luthor will be happy.   BUBBA What do you mean?    DAVE  You know. Because now he can have his hand back.   BUBBA I’m not giving him back his hand.   DAVE What do you mean you’re not giving it back?   BUBBA He lost it. I found it. So, it’s mine now.   DAVE That’s bullshit. Give him back his hand!   BUBBA Naw, I have other plans.   Bubba grins.   INT. LUTHOR’S HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY   Luthor is lying in his hospital bed. Dr. Flemings stands next to Luthor holding Luthor‘s file on a clipboard.   LUTHOR Am I going to be ok doc?   Dr. Flemings grabs Luthor’s hand-less arm and examines his missing hand.   DR.FLEMINGS Hmmmm…it looks to be only a scratch. You’ll be perfectly fine.   Dr. Flemings fills out a prescription sheet.   DR.FLEMINGS Just take 2 of these pills each morning. You’ll be able to go back to work tomorrow.    LUTHOR  What?! Are you nuts? I’m missing my hand!   DR.FLEMINGS Me Me Me! That’s all you patients ever say. Can‘t you people ever trust your physician’s           NURSE Quick Dr. Flemings! Missy Funkenstein’s stomach fell out again. We need you in the lobby     right away!   Dr. Flemings starts running out of Luthor’s room.   DR.FLEMINGS Did you use that super glue like I told you to do?   INT. BJ’S LABORATORY-DAY   BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo are surrounded by chemicals in beakers and other scientific equipment. BJ, Eddie and Leonardo all have goggles on and white scientist coats. BJ has a big psychotic grin on his face while he mixes two chemicals together. Warpig and Warsnake look on from the floor.   BJ Hmmm, I wonder what will happen if I mix these two together? EDDIE No, don’t mix those! Remember, we mixed those last week. …you know…when the firefighters   had to be called?   BJ Hahaha!  Oh, yah. That seems like a lifetime ago. Hahaha!   BJ trips over Warpig.   BJ Dang it! Stupid pig. Don’t you have some stupid pride pig rights parade to go to or        out how to make a clone anyhow?   Warpig gets into one of BJ’s chemicals and starts drinking it. His eyes turn bright green.   BJ Hmmmm, maybe we can find it on the internet.   BJ, Eddie and Leonardo walk over to BJ’s computer. BJ types some stuff onto the keyboard. He types “ How to make a clone”.   EDDIE Hmmm, nothing is coming up. It looks like we might have to scrap that idea.   WARPIG (in an Australian accent) Ahhhh, don’t give up matey. Maybe I can give you some pointers now, aye?   LEONARDO DIABLO Dude! Your pig just talked. I’ve heard talking pigs before, but this time I’m not stoned.   BJ looks down at the ground and sees that Warpig has drunk one of his chemicals.   BJ Ahhh man…I was trying to save that mix for when I was going to go to the mall to pick up some   chicks. The chicks just love aussies.   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa! Aussies! I love how that word sounds.   EDDIE Are you sure you’re not stoned?   BJ Hey warpig. What kind of pointers?   WARPIG Well, first of all. You’re going to need the following items. Grab a notepad my boy.   BJ starts writing on a notepad.   WARPIG Baking powder…   BJ Check.   WARPIG Ravioli…   BJ Check? Wait a minute…ravioli?   WARPIG Hey lad. Don’t ask me…I didn’t make the rules…I just follow them.   BJ nods his head.   BJ Ok, check. What else?   WARPIG Six day old muskrat meat….   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa! That might be a tuffy.    BJ  Check. I won’t ask why this time.   WARPIG Shampoo, with conditioner…   BJ Check.   WARPIG And exactly 2 pounds 4 ounces of kitty litter. And also the blood of whomever you want to      clone. That is all.   Warpig’s eyes turn back to their normal color.   EDDIE Wow!  That’s it for making a clone? Who would have known?   LEONARDO DIABLO Yah, some pretty stupid items though.   BJ Hey Warpig…where did you learn how to make a clone?   Warpig has a blank stare and says nothing.   BJ Warpig?   Warpig once again says nothing.   BJ Dang. The chemical must have worn off. I knew it. I told Bubba that pig would come in handy    for something besides breakfast bacon.   Warpig’s eyes get wide open and he goes squealing into the next room.   BJ Ok, Eddie…you go get the baking powder and the ravioli.   EDDIE Check.   BJ I’ll look for the kitty litter and shampoo with conditioner. Leonardo, you go look for the six day   old muskrat meat. LEONARDO DIABLO Check. Wait a minute. Why do I have to find the hardest item?   BJ What? Quit being selfish. Me and Eddie have to look for two items each. You only have to look for one. Plus, it’s your project.   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa! I almost forgot. Man, I don’t even know where to look for six day old muskrat meat.   INT. DAVE’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT   BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo sit around the living room table. Dave, Bubba, and EG walk in.   BJ Hi paw!   Bubba gives an angry look.   BJ How did yer wonderful day at the most exciting career ever invented go today?   Dave gives an upset look.   BUBBA It was great. This new guy Luthor lost his hand in a stamping press today.   LEONARDO DIABLO And that’s great how?   BUBBA Because…   Bubba pulls out a necklace under his shirt. The necklace has Luthor’s hand connected to it.   BUBBA I got a new kick-ass necklace out of it! Pretty sweet aye?   EDDIE What the? Ha ha ha! What can you…ha ha …possibly do with somebody else’s hand?   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa! That’s messed up!   BUBBA Oh my gosh! Think about it …the possibilities are endless. You can do almost anything with an   extra hand. Bubba talks while pictures are shown of what he is thinking.   BUBBA Like, when you want to stir some hot soup. Instead of the pain in the ass looking for a spoon to you do with it?   BUBBA Well, you know how sometimes after you wipe your ass your finger still smells?   LEONARDO DIABLO Man, now we’re going into a direction that I don’t even want to hear.   EDDIE Ha ha ha! Yah…   BUBBA Now, I can use this hand to do it and my hand will never have to do that job again.   BJ Hahaha! Will you still not wash that new hand? Hahaha!   DAVE now…it’s mine.   BJ At least I can say, I’ve never heard a conversation quite like this one. Hey dad, do you want to  whiskey…it’s a dead muskrat!   Rachel Little lets go of the box. RACHEL LITTLE Ooopsie! Burrp! My sorry! Accidents happen.   INT. BJ’S LABORATORY-NIGHT   LEONARDO DIABLO So, how do we make this thing you think?   BJ Hmmmm, good question. Well, whenever I’m in doubt I like to use my good old reliable ez bake oven.  Maybe we should just mix all of the ingredients together and heat it in the oven?   EDDIE Hmm, why the hell not?   BJ Leonardo? It’s your project. What do you think we should do?   LEONARDO DIABLO Throw it in the oven. I’ll try anything once.    EDDIE  Sounds like Sue Oinkenberger. Hahaha!   BJ laughs in agreement. BJ grabs the ingredients and mixes them together in a mixing bowl.  He finally puts in the whole dead muskrat carcass with the mix and places the bowl into the ez bake oven.   LEONARDO DIABLO I almost forgot about the most important thing…here’s that blood.   Leonardo hands BJ a vial of blood.   BJ Ummm, whose blood is it anyway?   LEONARDO DIABLO It’s from a friend of mine.   EDDIE Ummmm, yah. Ok. What do we do now BJ?   BJ Just sit and wait now I suppose.   BJ, Eddie, and Leonardo Diablo all stare at the oven. Nothing happens.   EDDIE Man, this sucks. It’s not going to work.   BJ Sorry Leonardo…I guess we’ll have to find something else for your project.   LEONARDO DIABLO Man, and I really wanted to make a clone too.   Suddenly, a kick comes from the ez bake oven.   LEONARDO DIABLO What the heck was that?   BJ pulls out the bowl…a circus midget is in the bowl. The midget silently stares at the three characters.   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa! That pig was right! We made a clone. Way too cool indeedy!   EDDIE Wait a minute!  That clone looks like a circus midget!   Eddie gives Leonardo a peculiar look.   LEONARDO DIABLO Hey, it’s not easy to get somebody to volunteer to get a clone made of themselves. It’s not easy to walk up to just anybody and ask “hey dude, can I make a copy of you?”   BJ I knew we could do it! Hahaha!   LEONARDO DIABLO Professor Fillerstash is going to shit his pants!   EXT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING PLANT-DAY   Cars drive by the plant. Two bums play in front of the building playing cards.   INT. TV DINNER MANUFACTURING PLANT-DAY   Bubba and Dave operate the turkey sandwich press. Luthor and Skippy Joe operate the creamed corn press. Luthor operates it with only one hand.   BUBBA Put in the turkey, Big boy Jerkey! Ha ha!   Dave puts in some turkey and bread into the press. Bubba hits the button and the food is pressed and sent down the press chute.   DAVE Man Bubba, I think it’s pretty screwed up that you’re keeping Luthor’s hand. He needs that       the stick shift. Besides, that was my ass wiping hand.   BUBBA Naw. Finders keepers. It’s not my problem that you can’t even keep track of your own hand.    prove it was mine. He’d just keep it. Really, he can’t prove that this is his hand. How am I to    know this is his hand? It could be somebody’s hand named Himey Mcputtygut or something.   LUTHOR Please Bubba. I need my hand back.   DAVE Bubba, you know damn well that’s not Himey Mcputtygut’s hand. It’s Luthor’s. So give it back.   BUBBA I made up my mind. I’m keeping it.   Luthor walks away. A tear runs down his cheek.   LUTHOR (mumbling) I …I….need…m-m-my….sniff…hand….back!   Dave gives Bubba a disappointed look.   BUBBA What? Geez! It‘s not my fault he lost it. Losers boozers, winners keepers, that’s what I always    say.   EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING-DAY   College kids walk across the campus grounds.   INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-DAY   Professor Fillerstash stands in front of the room of students. He wears a white lab coat and goggles. He finishes up his class lecture. Leonardo Diablo sits at a desk amongst the other students.   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH ….and that is why the human body reacts as it does to green jello. So, just remember what you  everybody an extra five points if you remembered to put your name on your project.   KATIE Hee Hee! My mom helped me this time, Mr. Professor Millerhash.   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH Ummm, yah….and how do you spell your name again?   There is an uncomfortable silence.   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH Nevermind. Just everybody…throw your reports on my desk on the way out.   The class gets up and the students take turns putting their reports on the Professor’s desk. One report is titled “Milk or beer?  Which is healthier?” Another reads “Pogo sticks and trampolines. Reasons why the two shouldn’t be used together”.  Leonardo Diablo walks up to the desk looking at his report. His report is titled “How to clone a kick-ass circus midget”.   LEONARDO DIABLO (talking to himself) Oh yah dude. This has an A written all over it. A is for awesome…as in me….oh yah!   INT. LEONARDO’S MEDITATION ROOM-NIGHT   BJ, and Eddie sit at a table. EG walks in. Warpig sneaks behind EG and starts smelling his ass.   WARPIG Sniff…sniff…sniff…   EG Hey, what‘s up buddies?   EDDIE Don’t ever say that again.   BJ Hahaha!   EG Man, what a bunch of sorry little bitches! I can’t say anything without someone saying    something to be a cock.   BJ Maybe if you weren’t such a squirelly little fart devourer,…maybe you could find some friends.   EG I know when somebody is putting me down.   BJ I wasn’t putting you down.   Warpig continues to smell EG’s ass. He turns green and goes to the corner and falls to the ground.   BJ I’m just trying to point out to you that you reek and maybe it’s time for you to do something about it, like maybe jump off a cliff or something.   EG Shuuuuuuuttttttt uuuuuuppppp!   EDDIE Man, that’s annoying. I don’t know which is more annoying, the smell or his personality.           unfortunately.   Leonardo Diablo walks in.   LEONARDO DIABLO Whoa!  I turned in my kick-ass project. Thanks little freaky dudes. I never thought a bear and   with you guys.   BJ Nobody else hangs out with you because you’re a stupid idiot who annoys people with stupid remarks. My IQ actually goes down whenever I’m with you.   EG You take that back! You take that back now!   BJ Screw that! Hahaha!   EG Did you hear what Bubba did today at the Tv dinner plant? Luthor asked him to give him back  messed up, even for him.   BJ It looks like I’m going to have to have a son to father talk with him.   EDDIE Yah, he just can’t go around stealing people‘s hands. That tends to upset people.   LEONARDO DIABLO Yeah, it seems like there might be some sort of law against it.   Warpig is shaking on the floor with convulsions.   INT. DAVE’S LIVINGROOM-NIGHT   Dave and Bubba sit on the couch watching Tv. Bubba is drinking a beer.   BUBBA Man, I just thought of another thing I can do with this thing!   DAVE Man,…I’m afraid to ask. What?   BUBBA Well, do you remember that game Hands Down?   Dave looks down towards the ground.   DAVE Ummm….yah…   BUBBA I can use this as an extra hand. I would have an advantage over my opponent. They’d only have         one cheesy hand. I’d win every time! I’d have two! Yee Haa! Damn, this hand is so awesome!    I think this thing might be my soul mate or something!   DAVE Bubba, this whole thing is screwed up, you really need to…   The telephone rings. Dave answers the phone.   DAVE (ON THE PHONE)] Hello?  Yes,…hold on Luthor….   Dave hands the phone to Bubba.   DAVE It’s for you.   BUBBA (ON THE PHONE) Yah, what do you want? LUTHOR (ON THE PHONE) Ummm, yah….Bubba?….I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor?…ummmm.. BUBBA (ON THE PHONE) Hurry up Luthor…I’m getting ready to leave to go get my new hand a new manicure.   LUTHOR (ON THE PHONE) Well, that’s why I called…about my hand….I was wondering if I could have it  back?…I’d give   you some money….   BUBBA (ON THE PHONE) Money? Are you nuts? If I was to ask you if I could buy your hand off you for a          COMMERCIAL SINGERS If you love yourself...you will give...if you love money...you will give...HANDS, HANDS          know it’s going to happen and there’s no stopping it.   EG Give me some damn beans assholes! I wouldn’t stop you from having beans! So give me the    know. Hands are an important piece to everybody’s life. Can I please have my hand back?   Bubba has an angry look on his face.   BUBBA How many times do I have to say no? I like my new necklace too much.   LUTHOR Please Bubba....sniff...sniff... I need my hand back.   BUBBA No thanks.   BJ Hey,...uhhh...Bubba,....can you pass the potato salad?   BUBBA I’ll tell you why I won’t give up my hand. This hand is going to change my life....   Bubba passes the potato salad.   EDDIE Hey Bubba, pass more spam please. BUBBA There are so many things I can do with three hands that I couldn’t do before. Now I can flip       wet.....   BJ Hey Bubba...can u pass Luthor’s hand?   BUBBA Those are just the start. There are so many other ways this hand will help me. Like working on automobile engines. No more getting my fingers pinched. Now your fingers will get pinched.    Safety first. No more pain for me....   Bubba passes BJ Luthor’s hand. Luthor takes his hand and gets up and leaves.   BJ Hahaha!   There is an uncomfortable silence. Bubba realizes that he has given up his hand.   BUBBA Damnit BJ!   BJ What? Hahaha! Come on! That wasn’t even your hand. You can’t going around stealing         better than he would have.   EG lets out a huge fart.   WILLIAM Buuuuurrrrpp! ucha yujakowpa! Beeeelllcchhh!   BJ Hahaha! Damnit EG! That is exactly why we won’t give you the beans.   EXT. DARK ALLEY-NIGHT   Two bums search through some garbage cans.   BUM #1 Damn, sorry Himey McPuttygut...I just don’t see any hands in here....there’s a good old beta      going to do is take a bath with it. Then I’m going to shave it and take it to the finest restaurant      in town! Wendy’s here we come!   BUM #1 You never take me to Wendy’s.   HIMEY MCPUTTYGUT Well, you’ve never jerked me off either now have you.   There is an uncomfortable silence.   BUM #1 Uhhhh, can’t say that I have. Uhhh, I think it’s time for you to take your medication again         Himey.   HIMEY MCPUTTYGUT Damn doctors.   END OF ACT THREE   ACT FOUR   INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-DAY   Leonardo Diablo sits at his desk with the other students. Professor FillerStash lectures to the class. PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH  ….and that is why hamburger flavored bubblegum failed in the US economy, but will always be a hit over in England.   A male student raises his hand.   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH Yes, Benjamin.   BENJAMIN Uhhhh, professor…what does that have to do with science and what we’re studying now?   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH Absolutely nothing. I just have to fill my quota of wasting your time. Every semester us professors are legally obligated to waste at least 30 hours of your time. And, it looks like, I         puked on them, then I wiped my ass with them. Then I almost threw them out. But, just for   giggles I kept them.   MARY LOU So, you didn’t like my report on "What if bumblebees ate meat"?   PROFESSOR FILLERSTASH Uhhh, Mrs. Mary Lou. Every female loves meat. And the last I checked, queen bees were no    trampolines. On your way out, come grab your sorry ass reports.   Leonardo gets up out of his desk and approaches Professor Fillerstash's desk.   LEONARDO DIABLO I just know that professor dude was talking about my grand report. I aced it this time!   Leonardo grabs his report and looks at the cover of the report. The grade says C. Leonardo looks shocked.   LEONARDO DIABLO Holy shit! A fucken C? I showed how to create another human being…and I get a fucken C?    to clean that thing.   EG You can’t prove that I touched Mr. Bubbles nuts.   EDDIE Holy shit!  We never said that you did!   Everyone laughs at EG.   EG Everybody shhhhhhhuuuuuuttttt uuuuppppp!   END OF ACT FOUR   THE END

Durnkville Animation ⋄ Comedy An unusual world based on characters who work in a TV dinner plant.