Working on a logline for my capstone project for my MA program (17 weeks to go!) Suggestions appreciated! FIXED: After her brother sneakily follows her into a mine and they become trapped inside, a young teenager abandons her search for the other half of a treasured stone to escape the haunted mine before being captured by an evil ghost.
This is a children's feature length screenplay with comedy, horror, fantasy, mystery, and thrills!
A teenage girl treks through a haunted gold mine in search of the other half of a stone her mother gave her before she passed away.
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That’s a decent working logline, Stephanie DeWitt.
Here are my suggestions:
"In order to rid her town of a gold-digging ghost (or whatever the stakes are), a ______ (adjective) teenager treks through a haunted gold mine in search of the other half of a stone her deceased mother gave her."
"In order to rid her town of a gold-digging ghost (or whatever the stakes are), a ______ (adjective) teenager treks through a haunted gold mine, searching for the other half of a stone her deceased mother gave her."
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Nice start, Stephanie! I think you've got something here. I'd try to add in the protagonist's name, maybe where the gold mine is and who else might be after the stone (stakes). Good luck on your MA! I know you'll do fantastic.
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Thank you both! I added an update to the original post. Not sure if I need to mention that her deceased mother gave her the stone? If so I can add that. I had it in the update but deleted it to save word count.
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You're welcome, Stephanie DeWitt. I don't think you need to mention that her deceased mother gave her the stone. It will add to the word count, as you said.
I suggest changing "Charlie" to "a __________ (adjective) teen" -- or something instead of "teen." I've heard from different filmmakers and writers that a logline shouldn't include a character's name (this isn't a rule though), unless the script is based on an established movie or series like INDIANA JONES.
I suggest changing "must abandon" to "abandons" because "must" makes it sound like she's forced to abandon the search instead of doing it willingly.
"After her brother sneakily follows her into a haunted mine and they get trapped inside, a __________ teen abandons her search for the other half of a treasured stone to escape before being captured by an evil ghost."
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Thank you! I don’t know why I didn’t think about that. Abandons fits much better. I kept running loglines in my head all evening yesterday trying to get it right and not long. These can be quite challenging. Thanks again!
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You're welcome, Stephanie DeWitt. You're right, writing loglines is challenging. I rewrite my loglines SO many times.
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Ain't that the truth Maurice Vaughan