Your Stage : [FEEDBACK REQUEST] Would anyone be willing to take a look at the first few pages or my horror feature Orphan Train? by Eric WC Harmon

Hi, Eric. Just to let you know, your post was moved to Your Stage as it fits better there. That’s where members solicit for specific feedback by posting their work. See the description at the top. Best to you. :)

I gave the first few pages a looksee, and just my two cents, watch some of your word choice. You almost lost me with the word “ether” at the very beginning. It’s an odd word for what is a period piece, I guess? Sticks out like a sore thumb. Didn’t make sense. Could be just me, but it stopped me in my tracks. Reading further... I get that you are setting up these snippets at the beginning to create intrigue, shock, teasers if you will, but it doesn’t really set up characters nor the story. Emily is very flat to me, a sad depressed woman. Hollow. One noted. Something bad happens. Then they are on a train. There’s a watch. There’s no real sense of a story yet. Perhaps try alternate openings. Get into the story first. Substance. Seems you have something good brewing. So perhaps consider different approaches. Also, watch some odd capitalization and do rework the scene with the line that has “subtext” literally written in it. If you have to tell us that the character “gets” or notices the subtext then we clearly do not. It’s not clear. It should be evident. We should “get it” too but we don’t because we don’t have a clear sense of who these characters are as human beings and their situation and circumstances. Hope that helps some. Just keep going. ;)

Echoing what Beth said, that opening line "From somewhere within the ether..." is very purple prose to lead with, especially OVER BLACK.

After that I wasn't sure when we were still on BLACK and if these are just SOUNDS or we have FADED IN to these action lines:

A child cries. HEART-WRENCHING. DISTRAUGHT.

A fist CRASHES against a locked door. LOUD. FRANTIC.

If those aren't visuals (I tend to think they are just SOUND) then not sure how we know the sound is a fist crashing against a locked door (how do we know it's locked?)

After that we do have visuals but I don't know what scene setting we're looking at. There's no scene heading and there is lots of action but it's not in the context of where we are focused. There's a door, a wall and a family portrait on the wall but is this in a house? an apartment? I heard a child cry but is that from inside (I assume we're INT) or is there anyone else in that location?

Need to help me understand where this is taking place and give me a little clarity.

Owen shoves his hand through the door. Are we INT seeing a hand get shoved through the door or EXT behind Owen (I think the former but it's not clear).

As Owen heads deeper into the house, there isn't much description in sub-scene headings/sluglines where we are moving but there is assumed information such as "he sits on the floor just outside of the Ward’s LOCKED master bedroom." We don't know who the Ward's are and we don't know visually if this a LOCKED master bedroom door.

I think it would be helpful to use scene headings to introduce us to the INT. WARD HOME earlier.

The introductory scene/action has the potential to be gripping, intriguing and jarring. It can leave us wondering what happened. I would maybe recommend somehow including Owen's reaction. He busts down the door but then we just have the scene but not how Owen reacted to what he and we are seeing.

Heck you could even transition Owen's sound (screaming perhaps?) or the child screaming to the train whistle blowing (pre-lap).

In your superimpose, I don't think you need to signify that it's Union Station. You have it in the scene heading and it becomes apparent that it's a train station when you bring in the visuals.

"A SILVER POCKET WATCH TICKS." That's should be a CU or INSERT CU. We don't know that it's Owen's thumb (unless you show us Owen visually before the CU on the watch).

The picture should be a CU as well.

Unless Emily sees Owen shake the watch, it seems unnatural for her to ask if there's something wrong with the watch (or unless she sees Owen's concerned expression while looking at the watch, etc.) Basically what prompts Emily to ask if there's something wrong with the watch?

There's a lot of interplay between Emily and Owen that ties back to the opening scene. Some of it seems a little bit overdone if not a little bit over-dramatic. Emily's sadness. Owen's sadness. Emily's reactions. Owen's reactions. The watch. The photo. Emily drops his arm, won't meet his gaze, he touches her wrist, get a new watch, etc. I understand that the opening looms large and ever present but when just meeting each other off the train (from some sort of absence) it kind of felt a bit heavy-handed or forced recalling the opening.

There is a bit of action description that borders on purple prose but I think it's ok but again, it borders on being unnecessary to paint the scenes, characters and move the story forward.

Ex: "Her eyes are practically screaming. Her body language displays her desperation like a neon sign. Owen’s heart breaks. Emily is so broken."

I'm not sure what "Jacob's Car" is with regards to the next scene heading.

"Man who's seen blood" vs seem.

The series of shots in flashback should again be setup as a scene as we don't know where this is happening (although it appears there's maybe a train as there's a boxcar) but it it in a town? In a railyard? Set the scene for us where these horrific acts are taking place. Also how is Jacob not seen by the perpetrators as his mother is reaching for him, she Shhh's his direction, etc.

"His eyes scan the room." It's really not a room. It's a passenger car on a train I think.

"Whose ready" should be "Who's"

I wasn't sure at the end if the Father Greene/Jacob scene was happening simultaneously in Union Station as Owen/Emily or whether it was a different time (was Green/Jacob on the train from Chicago?)

End should be "Thank you" vs "Thanks you" unless the misspelling by the children is intentional and it's odd that all the children made banners say the same complex thing: “Thanks you Kansas City! New York Children’s Aid Society, 1904”.

Overall I'm intrigued and I think you have the right settings and characters. I'm a bit confused why Owen and Emily are separate and why Jacob is alone in a passenger sleeper carriage. The interplay between Owen and Emily seems more about forcing information to us vs. a natural interplay between two people familiar with each other but meeting each other after being separated. The state of "Jacob's Sleeper Carriage" room isn't explained although I assume Jacob did it and Father Greene's dialogue and actions don't really reveal their relationship, what is happening or happened prior to us coming "into scene" or what Father Greene is attempting to do. What is Father Greene attempting to do or what is his goal when he's in the car with Jacob?