I'm currently working on a logline that would summarize the story without telling too much or telling too little. I must admit, i'm not really the best at crafting loglines and synopsis, especially on the wording. So any kind of opinion would greatly help!
Logline: Rick, a pessimistic, desperate person who lives in poverty, must discover a way to keep the shelter he runs for the homeless from being deconstructed while also babysitting a 10-year-old orphan named Sky, with whom he eventually exchanges perspectives on what life can be.
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Cool Film Noir picture, Rafi Gunawan.
Your concept sounds interesting. You have the important details in your logline (protagonist, story goal, etc.). I think you just need to work on the logline's structure. Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so ________ (stakes).”
Loglines are one or two sentences (a one-sentence logline sounds better and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it). You can add the antagonist in the logline. The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline.
Avoid using names in a logline (unless it's a Biopic or a famous story -- like a fairy tale). Use an adjective and the protagonist's position/role instead of a name.
Avoid using “must” in loglines because “must” sounds like the protagonist is forced to do whatever the goal of the story is (instead of the protagonist doing it willingly), and “must” doesn’t sound active. Audrey Knox (a TV literary manager) also said this during a logline review webinar on Stage 32 (https://www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Write-Now-Challenge-The-Logline-Rev...). Instead of using “must,” use “attempts to,” “fights to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “fights,” “battles,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc.
Example #1:
“After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won’t steal food that’s meant for hungry dog families.”
Example #2:
“A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help.”
NOTE: Not all stories will follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow this template. The overall logline for a TV show might not follow this template, but the logline for an episode in the show could.
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Ah, I understand now. I appreciate the advice; this would definitely help me improve at creating better and more structured loglines further on. However, for this particular logline, I'm still a bit hesitant on the wording. I have made some slight changes, though.
Logline revision: While babysitting a 10-year-old orphan, an impoverished pessimist tries to keep a shelter he built from being demolished.
You're welcome, Rafi Gunawan. Is this a feature script or a show?
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A feature script
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Rafi, your logline revision is an improvement from the previous one.
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Thank you. I'm glad to hear that.
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Like an actor saying "I'm Oscar worthy in front of a mirror but when camera strikes me, I'm kinda shy and unsure"...If you gonna move up as a screenwriter you need to be good in any part of the craft...If you come up like "I'm lousy at synopsis" how gonna that assure me to trust you with a script?
About the logline(s): where's the plot?
The owner of the shelter, suffering from depression, finds salvation in helping the homeless.
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This sounds great! I think you could be a little more economical with your words though - best advice I was given was that a thesaurus is my best friend! Try something like this:
Rick, pessimistic, impoverished and desperate, must discover a way to keep the homeless shelter he runs from being destroyed/dismantled/demolished. When a 10-year-old orphan named Sky comes into his care, his perspective on what life can truly be starts to change
Also, I do agree with what Kiril says, too - have some faith in yourself!!! Good luck!
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I think your revised logline is an improvement, Rafi Gunawan, but I think it still needs some work. Here's a logline suggestion: "While babysitting a 10-year-old orphan, an impoverished pessimist tries to keep a shelter he built from being demolished _________ (the stakes -- what happens if he doesn't keep the shelter from being demolished)." After you let me know what the stakes are, I'll continue helping you improve your logline.
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Hi Rafi - this is a good start. You may consider adding something about who is threatening the shelter. Here is a terrific webinar on how to make log-lines attractive and appealing that may be helpful: https://www.stage32.com/webinars/What-Makes-Your-Logline-Interesting-for...
Then what?
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Maurice Vaughan essentially, the stake is the homeless losing their one and only home, where they can find food and comfort. Otherwise, they would return to the streets with absolutely nothing to survive. I was thinking something like: "While babysitting a 10-year-old orphan, an impoverished pessimist tries to keep a shelter he built from being demolished so the people who are homeless won't be evicted."
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Caretake* instead of babysit they are adolescent almost - “eventually changes perspectives” could mean a lot and it’s too vague this could end up being like Freaky Friday to the reader
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While caring for a ten-year-old orphan, a pessimist struggles to keep the homeless shelter he created from being demolished. (I think that suffices. You're not writing a synopsis. It's redundant to state "so the homeless won't be evicted", if the place is demolished, it's assumed the people will have no place to go. Also, if he didn't buy wood, nails and dry wall, did he really "build" the shelter? I read that word, and I see a lean-to shack in an alleyway. Also, I wonder if pessimists take their time/money to create homeless shelters. Aren't they too negative, and cynical? Maybe you could add: "an impoverished pessimist uses his last drop of hope to prevent his homeless shelter from being demolished.")
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Rafi Gunawan "While caring for a 10-year-old orphan, an impoverished pessimist tries to keep a shelter he built from being demolished so the residents won't be evicted."
You could also write the logline this way: "While caring for a 10-year-old orphan, an impoverished pessimist _____________ (tell the action he takes to keep the shelter from being demolished) so he can make enough money to keep a homeless shelter he built from being demolished."
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Maurice Vaughan I honestly couldn't thank you enough for all the feedback and advice. Of course, the same goes for everybody else here who is tremendously helpful. I apologize if all this appears to be amateurish; I'm still in my early steps.
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You're welcome, Rafi Gunawan. Glad to help. No need to apologize. A lot of us need help with loglines at one time or another. And we (Stage 32 members) are here to offer feedback on each other's loglines and projects.