Hi folks. I'm a finalist in the St32 Sci-Fi/Fantasy competition! winners announced this Friday! Anyway, they are going to send my logline out to A LOT of producers and I would really love your opinions! Here's the two versions (please be brutally honest).
HEAVEN'S EARTH: a frustrated, brilliant grad student creates an Artificial Intelligence in online games to help keep tabs on her autistic little brother, but when the NSA's Copy and Kill program also goes Intelligent, humanity gets caught in the crossfire.
or
HEAVEN'S EARTH: Too busy to spend time with her autistic brother, a gifted grad student's online gaming bot does the trick, until it goes AI and her little brother becomes Public Enemy #1.
Thanks, guys! wish me luck! ~ s
1 person likes this
Sarah, I like the second logline better than the first. The second one's shorter and still tells what "Heaven's Earth" is all about.
Congratulations on being a finalist, and all the VERY BEST to you!
1 person likes this
Sarah: Although your loglines have a good flow, the concept of the project seems vague to me. Broad stroke lines like humanity gets caught in the crossfire" and *her little brother becomes Public Enemy #1 provide the potential producer very little to go on. I've posted this logline example in this forum many times and I think it's an excellent illustration of crafting a good, illuminating logline:
When you write your logline, a good rule of thumb is to include protagonist, antagonist, obstacles and challenges. Then summarize your story in a sentence or two.
Examine this logline from the classic film The Sweet Smell of Success
A press agent, hungry to get ahead, is pushed by a ruthless columnist to do cruel and evil things, and is eventually caught in the web of lies that he has created.
The above logline is 32 words. It identifies the press agent who is a damaged protagonist controlled by the antagonist, a ruthless columnist. The logline tells you the consequences of the protagonist’s actions. This is exactly what you may want to consider when writing your logline.
Best of luck and congrats on your finalist placement at S32 Sci-Fi contest.