Hello, my name is Abhi and I am just looking for tips and feedback! I am trying to rewrite this logline for an idea of mine to make it a bit more concise and also show the perspective of the main character who is a determined young female scientist. Also is this a good premise in general? Any help is greatly appreciated!
Genre: Sci- FI, Thriller, Apocalypse
Logline: Forcibly exiled to an underground military research facility, a group of scientists is tasked with finding a cure for the rage-inducing virus responsible for the global apocalypse. However, after a breakthrough is made and one of the scientists is found murdered, they soon realize that one among them has a more sinister mission.
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Welcome to the community, Abhinav Siripurapu. Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”
And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).
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Oh, boy. You have the same problem I do. I try to tell too much story in the logline. Distill it down. It's like cutting off your arm, but do it. Chop it down to five seconds. Tell me in five seconds what your story is about.
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Try Maurice's formula Abhinav Siripurapu . Start with the main character. "A group of scientists" doesn't speak of the main character, what his/her goal is what obstacle stands in his/her way. You want the story to be about one person who is trying to achieve a goal.
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Heard thank you all!
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You're welcome, Abhinav Siripurapu. Once you redo your logline, I'll be able to tell you if it's a good premise.
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Scientists in an underground lab fight to cure a global rage virus, but a traitor threatens their mission.
Exiled scientists discover a cure for a worldwide rage virus, but a murderer in their midst jeopardizes everything.
A group of scientists battles a global rage virus, but a sinister plot unfolds within their underground research facility
character
goal or story want
antagonist force
You get better at log lines by doing 20 or 30 of them. LAnd there’s a lot of people that have done that. You don’t do one!
You do 20, 30, 40
You beat on your craft!!!!!!
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I would start at the end. You are spending too much time in the setup. Also keep an eye out for describing twice. No one is exiled without some force, for example.
“After the murder of a coworker a group of a scientists exiled to a subterranean lab realise that a sinister force is trying to prevent them curing a rage virus that has humanity to extinction”.
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Really great tips! I will definitely incorporate them, thanks very much.
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"...that has humanity to extinction." is a non sequitur.
...that threatens humanity with extinction.
...that threatens to destroy humanity.
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@Leonardo has a good point. Is it one main protagonist? If so let us know who they are so we can bat their side. Or is it a group journey of several equally important scientists? (Multiple protagonists) And if so tell more of the pack aswell as wants, obstacles, conflict, crucible.
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Imprisoned in an underground lab, a determined professor and a team of scientists find the cure to a rage-inducing virus plaguing humanity, but a homicidal traitor among their ranks tries to sabotage its release.
I tried a bunch this is the best one so far. I think I made it clearer about who the protagonist is as well as the stakes. I feel like it is still wordy and a bit elementary. Hopefully this makes the idea clearer, which I would also love to get feedback on. I am trying to go for World War Z meets Alien but with more twists and suspense. Again thanks everyone for the feedback, I will continue to iterate.
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Your logline is better, Abhinav Siripurapu, but it says they already found the cure, so what are they trying to accomplish in the story?
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Playing with it.
A determined professor and his team are sabotaged by a homicidal lab tech, while held hostage until they’ve presented a cure to a rage-inducing virus.
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The main conflict of the story is to get the cure out of the underground lab that they are trapped in to save the world. The details of the villain and their motivation to stop the cure from reaching humanity is still unclear. I have come up with a killer ending, and am trying to piece it all together in a treatment/outline.
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Imprisoned in a covert lab, a relentless professor and team engineer a cure for a rage-inducing virus, only to face a deadly betrayal that jeopardizes humanity's last hope and their chance for release.
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I like that logline, Abhinav Siripurapu. I think the end of your logline needs some work, just a little.
"Imprisoned in a covert lab, a relentless professor and team engineer a cure for a rage-inducing virus, only to face a deadly betrayal that jeopardizes their chance at freedom and humanity's last hope of survival."
In your other comment, you said, "The main conflict of the story is to get the cure out of the underground lab that they are trapped in to save the world." If you wanted to go in that direction, here's a logline suggestion:
“After finding the cure for an apocalyptic virus, a relentless professor and scientists try to break out of an underground prison and get the cure to the world, but a homicidal traitor among them attempts to sabotage its release.”
These loglines are great Abhinav Siripurapu. Could you add to the logline how they will stop the opponent?