Hi! I finished my second script and (of course!) I’m thinking about a logline. Every day, every hour... I suppose, you know what is it. I have 6 similar variants. And I can't choose one! The best! Please, help me. I will very appreciate for it! Choose one of them, or... (may be) propose your. Title: Dangerous Legacy Genre: Adventure thriller Tagline: Remember to live Variant 1 (37 words) When her genetic memory becomes activated, a frail 15-year-old girl who loves to dance faces off against an international criminal organization that wants to use her to track down an ancient pirate treasure buried by her ancestor. Variant 2 (32 words) When a frail 15-year-old Irish girl has her genetic memory activated, she faces off against a powerful billionaire who killed her father 15 years ago in pursuit of an ancient pirate treasure. Variant 3 (34 words) To find an ancient treasure, the Mafia activates the genetic memory of a frail 15-year-old girl, whose pirate ancestor hid the treasure centuries ago. That turns out to be their first and last mistake. Variant 4 (33 words) When a frail 15-year-old girl’s memories hold the key to an ancient pirate treasure, a murderous billionaire and an organized crime syndicate will stop at nothing as they battle to unlock her secrets. Variant 5 (27 words) To find an ancient treasure, a powerful billionaire activates the genetic memory of a frail 15-year-old girl, but in reawakening her ancestors, he reignites her inner pirate. Variant 6 (31 words) A group of thugs gets much more than they bargained for when they kidnap the daughter of treasure hunters in order to access her memory to lead them to lost treasure. Thank you! Sergey
Screenwriting : Logline and my damn perfectionism by Sergey Velichko
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Good that you put word count up there but I also notice many lolines also require character count. I'm not going to elaborate on loglines but that is an observation I have noticed.
I agree with 5 also, but I'd add "15 year old" to "daughter" to show her seeming innocence, and "genetic" to memory as that's a very interesting facet.
Thank you, colleagues! I should admit that variant 5 was proposed by TheQuietAct, moderator from http://theblackboard.blcklst.com/forums. I want to say him "Thank". I really like "Inner pirate". It's brilliant.
I think I'll have to read the script to decide....
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Thank you, friends! Ye Er, you can read script here https://www.stage32.com/profile/249792/Screenplay/Dangerous-Legacy Mark, I agree with you, but variant 5 triggers more emotions, doesn't it? Stephen, brevity is the sister of talent)))
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1 implies that the story is centred around the girl with an organisation out to get her. 2 tells us that the girl is the central character and the billionaire is her nemesis in the story. 3 & 6 make us think that the villains are the central characters and the girl is a supernatural force that they unwittingly unleash and now have to survive. 5 made me think that the billionaire was the central character and he unleashes the girl and her supernatural bad-arsery. It's your story so you have to decide who is the lead, what is the backdrop (you can skip this part if it's not a foreign country/different time/etc.), what is at stake and who/what is/are the obstacle/s to over-come.
5
Thank you, colleagues! C. D-Broughton thank you for such a detailed analysis!
You're more than welcome. The thing to remember when asking the opinion of others is that they don't know your story so go for the logline which they believe sounds best, and not that which most accurately depicts your story (as well as selling it). Best of luck with your pitches.
You're right, Chris. It should be introduced with the title. Some variation of 'this is a broad comedy that I call, MY STORY.
Peter, decision makers want to know up front what genre you are pitching -- they are not going to give you notes on what they feel your genre should be -- there's simply too much material out there and not enough time in the day.
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Chris, your definitions are right but that does not make Peter right. It's simply not the way the industry works. No one is going to read the script if they don't know the genre and if you as a writer cannot serve the genre that you have pitched then you are not ready to have your script read/pitched in the first place. It's not a guessing game or hand holding game, in fact it's not a game at all -- it's business and you have to be up front from the get go. Words of advice, follow if you wish, or learn the hard way.
Take for instance the oft used example of LIAR LIAR, a high concept comedy. Its logline is, On the eve of a big case, a sleazy lawyer is forced to tell the truth for 24 hours. There is nothing that screams comedy in that statement. It could be a psychological thriller, horror, or even drama.
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I think your Variant 5 is close to the mark. It tells me part of the story arc, who the two characters are, and what the basis of the conflict is. And of all of them, it's the one that would make me turn past the title page.
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Wow! How many interesting things happened while I was away! to Peter. My character is really ballroom dancer! And really thanks for the new loglines’ variants. They are good! Succinct and expressive. As for your argument, then I probably agree with Laurie. I prefer to write the genre in a separate line of my pitch. And if the genre is clear from the logline – is a big plus. By the way, I've updated the script of Dangerous Legacy. Read it, if you're interested. I'll be glad to get new feedback.
I liked 5 best. Read the easiest.