Screenwriting : Logline retooled by Cheryl Boyles

Cheryl, your logline is too long and has too much detail. I would lose the last sentence entirely and consolidate it into one sentence, no more than 35 words.

Hi, Cheryl Boyles. That looks like a series logline instead of a pilot logline. The pilot logline should just be about what happens in the pilot.

I think the logline you posted needs a better flow. Here’s a logline template that might help. The template is for a feature script, but it can also be used for a series logline (I wouldn't use the template for a pilot logline though):

“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

If you don't want to use "tries to," you could use “attempts to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc.

"Death’s narrow escape begins the heroic struggles and majestic triumphs of Jesus of Nazareth.." Is that the main focus of the series? If so, I suggest putting "Death’s narrow escape begins the heroic struggles and majestic triumphs of Jesus of Nazareth" in the series logline (so the reader knows that Jesus will be facing heroic struggles and experiencing majestic triumphs over the course of the show).

Great and really practical information! As you can see, I’ve tried to combine pilot and series logline thinking that would be the correct approach — so I’ve learned something else new here — thank you! Templates are very helpful as well. When sending out queries, should I use the series logline or pilot logline?

You're welcome, Cheryl. I suggest using the series logline when you query since you're pitching the series.

I realized I made a mistake in my first comment, Cheryl. I put "I think the logline you posted needs a better flow. Here’s a logline template that might help. The template is for a feature script, but it can also be used for a pilot logline (I wouldn't use the template for a series logline though):"

It should be "I think the logline you posted needs a better flow. Here’s a logline template that might help. The template is for a feature script, but it can also be used for a series logline (I wouldn't use the template for a pilot logline though):"

I fixed the mistake in my first comment.

Why wouldn’t you use the template for the pilot logline? What would be the major difference? What template would you use for the pilot? I really appreciate your time and insights!

You're on to something brutally delicious.

Jesus of Nazareth’s protectors defy the odds, keeping the newborn king alive, when king Herod the Great uses all the capacity of his monarchy to locate and slaughter every threat.

Thanks so very much, Wal! “Brutally delicious”; I like that, and believe it lives up!

Cheryl Boyles I wouldn't use the feature script logline template for a pilot logline, because a pilot logline is brief. A series logline needs more details, which is why I recommend using the feature script logline template for a series logline. Here's how I wrote the series logline and the pilot logline for my Animation show: www.stage32.com/profile/811418/Screenplay/Fantasy-Stories

Thanks for so generously sharing your advice, Maurice! It is easy for me to see the difference in your pilot vs. series logline. I’m hoping to tackle my loglines today. Your children’s show, Fantasy Stories, looks really fun and sweet!

You're welcome, Cheryl Boyles. I put "a lively eight-year-old girl" in my series logline, so I didn't have to put that information in my pilot logline. I just put "Sunshine" in my pilot logline. Thanks for the compliment. :)

Am I getting closer?

SERIES LOGLINE:

Through heroic struggles and majestic triumphs, Jesus grows from childhood to manhood in the face of forces that challenge both his identity and his faith.

PILOT LOGLINE:

When the rumor a new king is born reaches jealous ears of Herod the Great, he orders the male babies of Bethlehem slaughtered, placing the life of infant Jesus in grave peril.

Cheryl: The series logline sounds generic and lacks specific challenges and stakes. The pilot logline is better but could benefit from fine-tuning and more colorful language

I'm not saying mine is perfect, but I would go with something more like the for the series logline:

From his birth to crucifixion, the life of Christ is explored as he faces Satan's temptation, proclaims himself the living God, inspires thousands, and meets the wrath of religious leaders and the firm hand of the Roman Empire.

Here are my thoughts on the pilot logline.

Pilot logline:

When King Herod hears rumors of a new king, he hatches a despicable plan to put the firstborn of Judea to the sword and eliminate any possible challenge to his thrown.

Hope this helps.

These are awesome, Phillip! Way better than mine, like WAY. I want to mess with them a bit, but would like to try them on for keeps, if you don’t mind. Thank you most sincerely!

Cheryl: They are absolutely for you to use. You're welcome, and glad I could help. It's always fun to play with loglines.

I hate them so God bless you Phillip "Uncle Phil" Hardy ;)

Great job on the pilot logline, Cheryl Boyles!

I think the series logline still needs some work. I don't think you should start off the logline with "Through heroic struggles and majestic triumphs."

Cheryl: Thank you. I commend you for taking on this project. I've written two faith-based screenplays. One called Journey of Mortals, about Paul's transformation. And the other one is an action/time-travel story about a modern atheist who goes back in time to spend three days with Jesus called Of All the Days. In any case, I'm a huge fan of the 1977 miniseries Jesus of Nazareth. For me, it's the gold standard of religious films.

You all have been such a great help; I can’t thank you enough!

Phillip: I assume you wrote original dialogue for Jesus in Of All the Days. Curious how you found that experience? I would love to read Journey of Mortals (great title) if you’re game for sharing.

You're welcome, Cheryl Boyles. Please keep us updated on the series.

Cheryl:

Journey of Mortals is not currently available to be read. However, Of All the Days is. Just go ahead and PM me your email and I'll shoot it over to you.