Anyone wants to help me polish my thriller logline with his/her "superior logline honing skills"?
Title: Wicked People
Logline: 1 of these 3, but not sure which one is best. Feel free to tweak one which you think will be better.
1. A gold miner and his best friend discover a rare gemstone that would make them rich, but when he murders his friend, his action sets him on a spiraling path.
2. Two best friends discover a rare gemstone in the mountains that would make them rich, but when one of them murders the other, his action sets him on a path that would seal his fate.
3. Two miners discover a rare gemstone that would fetch them five million dollars, but when one of them tries to murder the other, their fortune spirals out of control.
Thank you in advance!
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A man who murdered his best friend after they discovered a rare gem.....AND THEN WHAT? And don't use phrases like "that would seal his fate" or "spiral out of control" or The Logline Gods will seal YOUR fate, Tao.
At what point in the script does the murder take place?
Hi Tao:
Conceptually, the story reminds me of the the Sam Raimi film, "A Simple Plan." It might be worthwhile to review some on-line samples from it to help direct you.
I have to agree with Bill in leaving the stakes and consequences open ended blunts the effectiveness of the logline making it more generic and less effective.
S
How about this one? :
"The discovery of a rare gem causes a greedy miner to murder his partner and sends his life in a downward spiral by forcing him to be on the run and almost out of time."
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Two broke gold miners find a precious gem but only one will walk away rich and the other, murdered.
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Tao, have you considered the murder being the end of the story and the culmination of the miner's arc?
Tweaking the second:
Two escaped convicts discover a valuable gemstone, but when one of them murders the other, he sets himself back on his foretold path.
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Two best friends prospecting in the mountains discover a rare gemstone the value of which has the potential to change both of their lives, but when one of them devises a plan to murder the other, he sets in motion events that spiral out of control
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Thank you, fellow scribes, for the pointers!
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Eric Christopherson - The murder takes place in the opening. I'm using it as a hook and catalyst. The murder is what sets the conflict in motion.
David Downes - No, because that would change the plot and theme/moral of the story. I'm trying to weave the plotline it in a non-linear way, which is why it makes it difficult for writing the logline. But I think I'll figure it out eventually.
Shaun, thanks for the reference movie. I just read the logline and summary of A Simple Plan, and it helped.