Screenwriting : Script Feedback/Exchange by David Levy

Script Feedback/Exchange

Morning everyone! I've exhausted asking my friends and colleagues for script feedback so I thought I would ask here! Rewritten a script so many times I need some fresh eyes on it. Would love to hear some unbiased feedback hence why I am reaching out to the Stage 32 community. It will be submitted for coverage in a few weeks so please do not recommend it, thank you. I know many here are honest and sometimes brutal in their feedback, which I look for! I am visually impaired with central vision loss in both eyes and I sit 3 inches from my cimputer screen to write and work. I have to take a lot of frequent breaks so writing can take me longer than most people so reviewing my own work can get very tiring. Sometimes I feel embarassed because there are some basic things I wish I could do on my own and can't so I need the assistance of other's. I would return the favor and do a script exchange but it may take me just a lil more time than usual to read it, ut I will! The script is in my profile so if anyone would like to provide some feedback, I thank you in advance!

CJ Walley

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5 people like this
10 years ago

I don't have time to do a peer review at the moment, but I wanted to just say you are awesome for writing despite your impairment. You absolutely should not be embarrassed, you should be nothing but very proud.

David Levy

Thanks CJ! I am someone who tries to do everything solo, not letting an impairment be a handicap. When it comes to writing I understand the "give & take" between writers and because of my impairment sometimes I come across more on the "take" side than the "give" side which is not my intention at all. hence why it is hard for me to reach out and feel "embarassed" as I am someone who is always willing to extend two hands and a foot to anyone. I pride myself in being there for others in need.

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2 people like this
- Beth Fox Heisinger
- CJ Walley
10 years ago

Thanks Kathryn for the kind words. I wish manager's thought the same way too! Lol

Beth Fox Heisinger mod

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3 people like this
10 years ago

Hi David! I am so impressed and inspired by you! Please, don't ever feel embarrassed. We ALL need help from time to time, yes? :) Like others, I'm crazy busy right now too, but I looked over the first few pages and I have just a few overall thoughts. Foremost, the writing needs to be much more economic; terse. Try to condense sentences and paragraphs. Be wary of redundancy. Also, the writing tends to tell too much and not show enough, particularly with character descriptions. The writing also needs to be more active and immediate. Remove as many uses of "is" as you can and also "ing." "He is looking" becomes "He looks." For example, the sentence; "A young man EDUARDO, early 20’s, in a hooded sweatshirt is walking briskly from the other direction" becomes; "EDUARDO, early 20s, walks briskly from the opposite direction. Nervous, he pulls his hoodie up over his head." The second version gives a more immediate sense of what's happening and how that character is behaving. It also removes the redundancy of "young man" and "early 20s." Plus, we already know he is a man simply from the male name, Eduardo. I also noticed you tend to use the same verbs over and over, like "looks." Perhaps try to mix it up more; stares, glares, gapes, shoots a sharp look. Each one creates a different sense of what's happening or how a character is emotionally reacting to something. Anyway, I hope that helps! I think you have a great story here! All these things can be worked out through the rewriting process. When you do submit for coverage they will provide you with a more thorough review. :) I wish you the best with your script!

Thank you kindly Beth! I appreciate any smal amount of notes because the little things you picked up on others who gave me notes did not. Even the smallest note can lead to a big needed change. I have rewritten a bunch of the script already but there is always rewritting of rewritting that needs to be done!