I recently posted a short script (8 pg) & logline on my home page. It's a light paranormal script about the necessity of getting over past tragedy in order to move on. It's written pretty tight (in my style) - I think it's a real quick visual read (my opinion).
I'll produce it locally if I can find a workable crew. I'd just like to get your opinion and/or flak. Feel free to show your true colors.
Thanx, Doug
It’s a pleasure to see the dead hang out so pure and kindheartedly. A suggestion: Definitely keep the innocent romance in the air. To bring in more of it you could make Bret brokenhearted because he feels unfairly neglected over that no one visits his grave. Mary Ann realizes that Brett sees her as his last chance to solve this problem, so she suggests that his daughter might be sensing that he’s unhappy and getting depressed from visiting. They dance & romance and it works - Brett’s daughter and everybody visit him again.
I liked it. It's heartwarming, in a slightly dark way. And I loved when Mary Ann whispered in that guy's ear. I was like, "You go, girl!". I truly wish you luck on your project, Doug.
i wasn't hooked, more lost in the world/story after the jump cut from 1957 to present day, about 1/4 of the first page. I kept asking myself what was this Ghost doing for the past 63 years? Hanging out at a cemetery? Also wasn't much drama/conflict/payoff setup. Female ghost shows up at the same cemetery out of the blue?
Technically challenging story to film - you got 4 or 5 flashbacks in one location.
There's way too much dialogue, IMO. What else are the two ghost doing than standing around, talking back and forth?
Good idea. The ending is good. It'd just be nice if he agrees to the dance before they waltz and disappear.
But unfortunately, I agree with everything Dan said about it. It really is just strange, like I get the whole stuck in limbo ghost theme like he has some issues to resolve before he can move on into the afterlife so he's been stuck at the cemetary since 1957 but it's not in the script. I filled the in the blanks myself to see what your good ending was about. It needs to go in there some where. Even with the good ending, it is really missing a lot to make the ending good. Like, what is the resolve? He moves on from his marriage but when does he even show any signs of romantic interest in Mary? It's strange that he moves on to the next life because he had to resolve his romantic promise to his wife and it happens instantaneously. The ending is only good if you establish some romance between them before the end.
But yeah, you might want to do something about the fact that it really is just two ghosts talking the whole time too.
Otherwise it's a great idea and if you can somehow make the rest of it work with the ending then you'll have a great script.
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Interesting comments all, keep 'em coming so that we all can use this as a teachable exercise.
I like that you let them still have that one big regret while they cling to the past.
I had a similar short(one living ) that I turned into a feature.
I see growth in this; you can turn it into a consequences for ghosts where Mary-Ann's dad became an alcoholic because of Bret's Dad dying. In essence the two are related by events triggered in Bret's life and death.
I don't do 'jump cuts' nor is it intended to be a slam bang action flick with its linier protagonist/antagonist conflict and it's not intended as a cheezy jump scare horror flick. Not difficult to film at all - only two EXT locations, no FX, no major props and simple wardrobe.
I'll start a thread over in the Filmmaking/Directing Forum discussing my Directorial concept for this short. I'm interested in how other Directors would handle this (sort of) short film.
It's beautiful, especially the ending, but it lacks some kind of hook, twist or conflict. For Brett the arc is obvious, but how does this encounter affect Mary Ann? What does she see in Brett? Also, is the random character visiting his dead wife essential to the story? Best of luck!
@Doug, I wouldn't rush to approach directors with that script. I understand that you see a lot of potential in making it because it's 1 location and no sfx etc. But, the story still needs work. All you have are 2 ghosts talking from start to end. Even if you make it... it will still be two ghosts talking and the only other thing that will happen on camera is people visiting a grave and the story still needs work. If you get a director interested they'd probably only be a novice who will make anything to make a name for themselves without considering that first impressions matter.
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The premise: Folk must get over past tragedies in order to move on. I'm sure you've known/witnessed people who's growth in life has been stunted/halted by inability to get over some life altering tragic event; parents who lose their only child to a senseless murder (think school shootings, a mother who's only son is killed in the military, a son who's father is abruptly killed...) The story is not about 'talking ghosts'. To all writers - learn to think creatively to express your vision. Learn to see & think cinematically.