Hi, everyone! : ) I'm trying to brush up the logline for my horror TV series 'Macabre', and would appreciate some feedback.
Current logline:
"When a mysterious, bloodthirsty creature targets San Francisco's Asian community, a black army officer, a Chinese immigrant, and a horror actress must confront a terrifying conspiracy in order to stop it."
This is a tentative edit that I have prepared:
"When a creature of unknown species kills and mutilates several Chinese women in 1907 San Francisco, a war-weary army officer, a Chinese gang member, and a secretive horror actress must confront a genocidal conspiracy in order to end the bloodbath."
My concern is that it's far too long (40 words, 39 technically if I count San Francisco as one word). At the same time, I feel it conveys the essential info w/o revealing the whole story.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on how I can continue to improve this logline and make it absolutely killer. ; )
Many thanks in advance!
Maybe try "When a mysterious creature kills and mutilates several Chinese women in 1907 San Francisco, a war-weary army officer, a Chinese gang member, and a reclusive actress must work together in order to end the bloodbath."
A killer supernatural force preys San Francisco's Asian community and three Misfits - a cowardly soldier, a reformed gangster and a "B" Horror Actress - must stand together to defeat evil.
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Hi Kelly:
Log lines can be very tough to write and the more succinct is always better. With that, which of the three characters described would you classify as the master protagonist?
Shaun Michael Goldsmith , that's a great question... I've always seen it as a group of protagonists, but perhaps I need to nail down that master protagonist... That being said, would something like the following logline work if I wanted to keep the story centered around the group/group dynamic?
"When a supernatural creature kills and mutilates several Chinese women in 1907 San Francisco, a group of social outcasts must band together and confront a genocidal conspiracy in order to end the bloodbath." (33 words)
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Hi Kelley,
I don't know your story, but you may want to hint at the consequence of failure:
When a supernatural creature besieges San Fransisco in 1907, three social outcasts must band together to end the bloodbath before..."something worse” happens.
Thanks, Kevin! I'll play around with it and see what I come up with.
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Hi Kelly, sorry for misspelling your name before.
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Kelly Krause
Hi Kelly:
Appreciating the story will have a group dynamic/multiple protagonists, I think it's crucial to clarify who is the key character of the three.
For example the logline for "Star Wars" (and I realize "Star Wars" is an overused example but...)
A long time ago in a distant galaxy, a young, idealistic farm boy joins a plot to save the leader of a band of rebels, aided by an old wizard and a charming smuggler from the clutches of the evil Galactic Empire.
So with your story in mind, he's what I'm thinking:
When a supernatural creature kills several women in early 20th century San Francisco, a group of social outcasts led by (PROTAGONIST) are forced to band together and confront an evil conspiracy responsible for the bloodbath.
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I like your first try - but get rid of the comma before ‘a black army officer’, the ‘a’ before Chinese immigrant, comma after ‘immigrant’, and the ‘a’ before ‘horror actress’.
Good luck!!!