My first attempt at screenwriting is an 11-page short horror. Four of the pages focus on a group of women around a campfire. Will the following character introduction work, or do I need to address them individually?
EXT. LAKESIDE CAMPSITE - NIGHT
The sounds of nature give way to muffled voices. Four women in their mid-20s gather around a campfire at the edge of the water.
DANA, ABS, BRI, and YVONNE are roasting hot dogs and marshmallows while sharing a bottle of tequila. They are waiting for a friend.
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That introduction is fine.
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The bit about waiting for a friend can’t be depicted visually, so it can go. Everything else seems fine.
Thanks!
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Agree w Stephen. Iintro is fine. Describe how we know they are waiting -- is there an empty spot in their circle, do they all glance in a certain direction ...
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I think it is all a bit sparse. If you go into detail in the next paragraph great. But as it sits, I just don’t know enough.
Plus: Waiting for a friend is a cheat.
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It's too spartan. How are they gathered around the campfire? Sitting on rocks? Sitting on lawn chairs next to a parked RV with the music playing? How big is this fire? Barnfire? A single log in a pit? We get the dogs and marshmallows, but how are they sharing the bottle of tequila? Dixie cups? Drinking straight from the bottle? Are the passing it around? Or is someone pouring shots? Cheap tequila or the good stuff? Think visually.
Like Geoff mentioned, waiting for a friend can't be filmed. An empty rock or lawn chair might hint at that, but you haven't visualized what they are sitting on for us to guess. Then again, why even mention it? When the person shows up everyone will make room. If the person isn't going to show up because they've been eaten by a lake monster, then I'm sure one of these mid-20's ladies will mention that Becky is missing.
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Hi, I'd describe each of the girls a little more. Not too much detail but give us an idea of who they are. I.E. Dana, a natural leader throws another log in the fire. A timid Bri sits with a slumped like manner roasting a marshmallow. Yvonne, the beauty queen of the group is taking a selfie with the campfire behind her....Abs, is in her element dress in Timberlands. The dialogue can then suggest that they are waiting on a friend. Maybe one looks at their watch and then says something?? Just a few thoughts : )
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Christine Capone Agreed. Leggings and Jordans versus jeans and Birkenstocks says a lot. And what season of year...
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Y'all are awesome, thank you! Crash course via Stage 32 \m/
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You already got some good advise. Don't bother saying "They are waiting for a friend" because you can't see why they are doing that on film. Just show the friend show up if that happens.
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If these characters are important to the story I would be inclined to offer more info for each of them. The reader needs to know more about them in my opinion. Unless you are doing that as you approach each character individually, then obviously it doesn't really matter at this point IMO. However if we are now going to enter into dialogue then the reader has little information other than a name with no idea of essence. Finally Dan is right,. Simple write the friend enters when she enters. A scene only knows what is present tense., not what will happen later.
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Like Julia I like to describe them when they're doing something. Plus character descriptions are the one place where it is okay to describe something we can't see on screen. Example would be DANA, 22, stunningly beautiful and equally mischievous downs the last of her tequila.
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First line is OK. Provide description of each in the same paragraph. This will begin to make the audience find the characters more relatable.
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Also just to comment on the first line. Give us a feel for the scene. "Sounds of nature". Go into more detail. A coyote howls. An owl...etc. Day sounds versus night sounds are different. Anyway, just a thought.
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I think it's lacking... it's all good and well to describe the setting but if any one of the four women in the main character is the story, your intro makes her an unidentifiable ghost. In fact it does that to all four of the women. Even the smallest description would go a long way...
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Read scripts and study introductions, especially first page.
Here is Queen & Slim. The writer is world building by first sentence.
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I agree with @Christine. Elaborate on words, "the sounds of "nature". Make it more visceral. Eg The constant screech of crispy cricket wings. The howl of ever nearing wolves. Woodpeckers drilling the bark of surrounding trees. ETC.
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Thank you all so much. I'm glad I posted this. My flawed research led me to believe I should dummy down the over-embellished creative writer in me lol
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Heavens no, DC. Some people ruin things because they believe prose is so important they make that the focus and come off ham-handed. The story should be the focus, and your prose should bring it to life. Nuts to the nay-sayers.
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DC. Dummy down and writing economically are two different things.