Screenwriting : Would love some feedback on a logline by Lee Lennox

What a cool concept and idea!! Rose was inspired by the Black Dahlia? And - where’s the link? I’d love to see!

Thanks Shellie, appreciate it. Ah I'm not familiar with the Black Dahlia, must research this pronto! There is no link, just the video attached, did it not upload? Sorry, I'm such a newbie to Stage32

Wow Shellie Schmals just researched the Black Dahlia, and Elizabeth short, what a crazy story, and poor lady. Maybe some similarities, but my leading lady Rose was murdered by the mob. Crazy coincidences though!

An animated limited series is unique, Lee Lennox. The character design is great.

For the logline: "After a young woman named 'Rose' is murdered in 1940's Hollywood, her spirit and a reluctant Casanova try to catch the killer so ___________ (stakes)."

Thanks Maurice Vaughan appreciate your rewording of the logline. That's a nice one ty man

You're welcome, Lee Lennox. I like animation. Stop motion is my favorite.

When a young socialite is brutally murdered, her spirit must catch the Killer before she can enter Heaven.

Thanks so much Dan MaxXx great stuff, although the Casanova is really prevalent to the story, it's a love story also, so might not be quite right yet :)

Here is a link for you https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/script-logline/

I would just drop casanova or reluctant. They feel a little tacked on. How long does he stay reluctant? Perhaps look at their relationship prior to her death. Would that give us more insight.

Thanks Amazing Kacee will check that link for sure :)

Thanks Craig D Griffiths appreciate your input. He stays reluctant for quite a while. He is after all a casanova/womaniser and only helps women if it benefits himself. But eventually he relents and of course tries to help save the day. Remember the movie GHOST? Whoopi Goldberg was reluctant most of the movie, then she turned around, that's a good reference for this plot

Hi Craig D Griffiths here is maybe a more insightful logline for you to get the story, but I fear it's way too long. Thoughts?

In 1940s Hollywood, Rose, the ghost of a murdered socialite is stuck in limbo and must ask for help from the only person that can see her; a washed-up, drunk, actor, who thinks she’s just a figment of his imagination. Together this unlikely duo must combat the mob, and Frank must avoid being killed (and killing off his career) while trying to unmask Rose’s murderer so she can pass to the other side.

Lee: I like the idea and it definitely has that 1940s flavor: However, at 73 words, your most recent logline is more of a mini summary. Try one sentence with about thirty words. Something like this:

To escape her earthly purgatory, Rose, the ghost of a murdered socialite, enlists Frank, an alcoholic has-been actor, to help him resurrect his defunct career while solving her brutal murder.

Or for better sentence flow, leave off the character's first names.

To escape her earthly purgatory, the ghost of a murdered socialite enlists an alcoholic has-been actor to help him resurrect his defunct career while solving her brutal murder.

This example conveys essentially the same message with less than half the words and with one sentence.

Yes, that was a bit long. The reluctant word I find is virtually a trope in loglines. Head over to logline.it a site where people just write and review loglines (I have no connection).

In every logline someone is Shy, Reluctant, Reclusive or some other adjective. After reading about 10 you begin to see that they don’t add everything to the logline. Now think of a person that may be interested in your story, professionally. They have read 100 loglines that day, all with some form of non-specific character detail. How can we make your logline start out.

I perhaps like womaniser more than casanova. Younger people may not be aware of the character. What part of his character are we using? That he disregards woman as play things or that he is super charming? I’ll go with looking down at woman in my example.

Murdered in 1940’s Hollywood a young woman needs the help of a serial womanising misogynist to find her killer and move on.

Not saying this is perfect. I have picked womanising as it is possibly more easily understood. Plus I added his opinion of woman (may not be in the story) as it is an active emotion and talks to character.

Wow! Craig D Griffiths and @PhillipHardy !!! You both are legends, really REALLY cool advice and words of wisdom. True gents, thank you so much for your help!

PS love the story BTW.

A script consultant recently told me that my logline should avoid character names, be between 25 and 45 words, deliver the concept, setup, conflict and antagonist.

"The spirit of a murdered 1940s socialite must rely on the assistance of a drunken playboy to help solve her murder and join the afterlife"

Thanks Craig D Griffiths the script is VERY early, just been doodling scenes while working on the logline.. With help from you wonderful people of Cours :) There are some brilliant little moments I've written so far. Can't wait to get it going.

@markKitchen thanks man! That's wonderful advice and wording too! So many ways to go. Thank you for your help.

"1940's Hollywood. After a young woman 'Rose' is murdered, her spirit stays behind to catch the killer, with the help of a reluctant casanova."

After her body is murdered, a young woman's spirit teams up with a reluctant lothario to find her killer.

@ScottSawitz, great refining dude! Thanks for your input :)

Lee: Happy to help and look forward to seeing what you do.

@Marie Good point, a ticking clock and rising stakes.

@MarieEtzler yes, that's a great idea! I'll defo consider this. I'm brainstorming from all of this input, such top class help and advice! Thanks also for your kind comments on the title, at first it felt a bit like a cheap pun, as her name was Rose waaaay before I found a title, but now just fits so well and has more meaning :) ps. Good luck on your brainstorming too! If there's anything to help, please let me know.

@Lee “A socialite murdered in 1940’s Hollywood haunts a lothario as unknown to himself he has psychic powers and the decadent gambler eventually searches for her killer as the hoods close in on him.”

Debbie, “Lothario” great word choice and era appropriate. As soon as I read it I could hear my Nanna saying it. She was a teen in the 40’s, that is great word choice.

Set off a thought in my head, that we have to use words that are not only good, but help set a mood by being era appropriate. I am going to squeeze lothario in to conversation today.

Hi Lee Lennox - I'm still working out the kinks in learning Stage 32 as well! I was on my phone and did not see the video attached. Looks so good and I really like how you are incorporating the mob into it.

There is so much information out there on Elizabeth Short, she was a Hollywood tragedy taken too soon.

Like others said, I wouldn't worry about putting her name in. I think this one streamlines it more and still brings across her spirit stays behind but with fewer words.

In 1940's Hollywood a murdered young woman's spirit tries to find her killer with the help of a reluctant casanova.

I would never end the logline with the antagonist or - here - with the sidekick; it's called burying the lead. I would end the logline with what happens if she doesn't catch the killer -- the leads to heaven or hell part.

"1940's Hollywood. After a young woman 'Rose' is murdered, her spirit stays behind to catch the killer, with the help of a reluctant casanova.

Simply preference, but "A young woman is murdered in 1940s Hollywood. Her spirit lingers behind to catch the killer with the aid of a reluctant Casanova.

Not knowing your script, it is hard to suggest color. For instance, A young woman is brutally murdered. Who is this Casanova to her? Why does she have to remain behind? Does no one else care about her?

Here is an excellent logline from "Dan in Real Life" - A widower finds out the woman he fell in love with is his brother's girlfriend.

So perhaps we can make your logline more succinct. "The spirit of an aspiring actress, brutally murdered in 1940s Hollywood, works with a reluctant Casanova to capture her killer.

Notice the color in bold. Acknowledging reluctant was from you. We could shorten it by deleting brutally murdered in 1940s Hollywood, but I think it is important to note it is a period piece. Good luck.

It won't let me place everyone's names in this message, but THANK YOU ALL for your wonderful input, I truly appreciate the time you've taken to respond. Some great upgrades and downsizing on the logline and incredible words of wisdom too. I have covid, so it's tough to currently go away and rewrite and post more, but soon as I'm recovered I shall return and update. Many thanks all! :)

Make sure you are getting enough vitamin D & C along with Zinc. Getting enough salt helps with the fatigue as COVID depletes your body's salt.

Hope you get better, Lee Lennox.

Make the stakes visible, say "she must catch her killer before her soul is damned" or so...there is a logline with a "hook" for showoff work and there is a logline/summary "to tell" for already filmed projects, like the iMDB ones...

Working with what there is.

"After a young woman is murdered, she and her forgetful Earthly guide must catch the killer or she will suffer in limbo for eternaty,"

Then again. if she -fails- she takes her Earthly guide with her to limbo. Better stakes.

Also adding a ticking time bomb' :

"1940's Hollywood. After a young woman is murdered, she and her mismatched -anterograde amnesia- guide only have hours to catch her killer -- or both dwell in limbo for eternaty,"

The dooming possibility of being "mismatched in eternity" as irony.

Also. He can stiil be her reluctant casanova, just one with anterograde amnesia.

How about this:

After a young socialite is murdered, her earth-bound spirit's only hope of escaping an eternity of limbo is to convince a nihilistic womanizer to help her stop her murderer from killing again.

Lee - If you haven't already, you should check out the movie Blithe Spirit directed by David Lean.

In 1940s Hollywood, a young woman is murdered, but her spirit lingers behind in search of vengeance with the help of an unexpected man.

After (name of the murderer) commits his crime, he encounters the victim's spirit ready for revenge.