Screenwriting : Logline update by Carina S. Burns

Logline update

After collaborating with my screenwriter, attending my son's wedding & visiting family in 3 different states, I have a LOGLINE UPDATE. # 's 1, 2, or BOTH? Feedback appreciated!

After a rebellious expat teen living in the Middle East learns that her dad is not her biological father, a search for identity gets blocked as her mother hides the daughter's secretive birth originating in post-WW2 Germany.

When a troubled expat teen in a mysterious Arabic Kingdom finds out that her dad is not her biological father, she tries to uncover her origins linked to a deeply buried secret from post-WW2 Germany.

B A Mason

This feels more like a Screenwriting Lounge topic. But I'd say #2 is the better choice; especially once you remove incongruous adjectives such as expat, mysterious, and deeply to make it flow off the tongue better.

Debbie Croysdale

A rebellious teenager in the middle east discovers her Dad is not her biological parent and a search for her real Father is blocked due to a World War 2 German secret.

Amy Dunkin
2 and agree with what B A Mason commented.
Dartanyan Adkins

The three key ingredients of the perfect logline are: The Protagonist The Goal The Antagonist Force With these three elements you must set up the protagonistwithin the context of the story world, the stakes and the catalyst for change. In simple terms, you’re telling the audience the story’s setting and its main drive. Your missing the The Antagonist Force

Maurice Vaughan

"After collaborating with my screenwriter, attending my son's wedding & visiting family in 3 different states." That sounds like a movie idea, Carina S. Burns!

I like logline #2 better, but I think it needs some work. I would get rid of "mysterious" unless it's important to the story. I would change "Arabic Kingdom" to "Middle East" because "Middle East" sounds more modern. You need the stakes in the logline (what happens if she doesn't uncover her origins?). You also need the antagonist force if you can find a way to fit it in the logline.

One-sentence loglines sound better than two-sentence loglines, but you might need two sentences for your story.

Matthew Parvin

I like #2, Carina. Sounds like you've been busy!

Dan MaxXx

Both clunky. And I don't visually see the connection between biological dad and WW2 Germany?

Maybe delete dad or WW2 and focus the logline on dad or WW 2 secret?. The reveal of her dad not being her biological dad could be in the script for readers to discover

Kiril Maksimoski

I'd be more intrigued with "deeply burred WW2 Germany secret"...after the war, country was just a pile of rocks, spies and imported labor...

Wendy Weising

Number 2 with less adjectives.

Dan MaxXx

Searching for her biological father, a misfit teen must confront her family's secret ties to Nazi Germany.

Derek C. Block

Was the father a spy? For #2, I don’t think we need “mysterious”. Another adjective. What is it that is the catalyst for the story’s conflict?

Maria Restivo Glassner

I agree with Derek "mysterious" can be replaced with something like remote? I like option 2 the best overall. How does she find out he's not her dad?

Carina S. Burns

Thank you ALL so very much. Your suggestions are great, and I am back at work:D

Maurice Vaughan

You're welcome, Carina S. Burns.

Carina S. Burns

We hope the following loglines intrigue you, and we're always open to feedback!

When a curious teen living in the Middle East learns that her dad is not her biological father, the mother blocks her daughter’s search for identity due to societal shame and conceals her secretive birth originating in Germany.

When a curious teen living in the Middle East finds out that her dad is not her biological father, she tries to uncover her origins, but her mother blocks her daughter’s search due to societal shame and hides the secretive birth originating in Germany.

A curious teen living in the Middle East discovers that her dad is not her biological father and yearns to find her origins, but the mother blocks her daughter’s search due to societal shame and hides the secretive birth originating in Germany.

Maurice Vaughan

I like logline #2, Carina S. Burns. Is the daughter Middle Eastern? If so, you can change "When a curious teen living in the Middle East finds out that her dad is not her biological father" to "When a curious Middle Eastern teen finds out that her dad is not her biological father." That would cut down on words in the first part of the logline. I think it has a better flow also.

Craig D Griffiths

You need to tie her location to the story. It has no impact on the story in the logline. You could have surface of the moon and it would read the same.

This is just me. But I don’t hide the story. I tell as much as I can. Mystery should be “I wonder how good that story is going to be told”, not “I wonder what the story is”.

Maurice Vaughan

Anthony Moore posted a great logline on your other post, Carina S. Burns. https://www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Logline-update-3 I think you just need to add the stakes to his logline suggestion.

Derek C. Block

What is the most important thing about your story? Is it that the main character is an ex-pat living in a mysterious/exotic Arabic Kingdom? Is it that there are familial ties to post-WW2 Germany? Is it that the main character's mother hides the truth of her parentage from her? I doubt it's all of those things. All of those things may help give the story flavor and uniqueness, but in terms of what is happening, and what grabs the audience's attention.... what is the most important thing?

For example, (just to illustrate an idea), I removed some of the superfluous information and tried to pare it down a bit here: "The essence of a troubled teen’s identity is shattered when she learns the man who raised her is not her biological father, leading her to discover a hidden ancestral tie to post-WW2 Germany." Ok. So, now what? What does she do with this information? Does it lead her down some dark mysterious path? Whatever it is you do... don't give away the ending but tease it. So the reader wants to come back. Hope this helps in some way. Best!

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