I've had two sets of notes back on a TV pilot screenplay, somewhat contradictory, and I wonder what your take is.
The first set pointed out some issues - but the tenor of it was: he really liked my descriptions. He is a Brit and he provides coverage here on S32.
The second set was from a US producer who said I should stop the novelization (elegant though it was) and learn to be economical with my descriptions - stick to the bare bones of the action and avoid, at all costs, anything that looks like screen direction - no-one reads it. In fact, it's offputting.
I agree with the second guy, but wonder whether you've had similar issues and have any top tips to get the balance right?
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Steve. Here are some tips.
Screenwriting is different from other forms of writing. They have a certain cadence that comes from writing economically. Overwriting is one of the biggest reasons why the Reader won’t read more than a few pages.
Describe only the relevant information and only what you can see on screen. Briefly describe the action as it is happening in the present tense. Try to keep descriptions under 3 lines and 4 lines at the most. Don’t try to describe every single detail in the scene. Paint your scene with broad strokes and let the Reader’s imagination fill in the rest. Avoid describing a character’s every movement. Extraneous character movement is distracting. Keep a single event, shot, or sequence within one description. Have the sentences in the description all related to one another. If the action suddenly changes start a new paragraph. A new paragraph is like a CUT TO. avoid the character’s thoughts. You should only write the physical manifestation of their emotions. When a character is first introduced it is the only time it is okay to describe what we can’t see on screen.
Eliminate words like "suddenly", "then", "begins to" and "starts to." Just make the action happen without any sort of temporal qualifiers. Other words that can often be eliminated are “and” “there”, “it is”, “it's”, “to go”, “are”, “to say”, “is”, “to be” and those words ending in “ly” and “ing.” Note: You can sometimes replace “and” with a comma or start a new sentence.
it is good to show the action before A character speaks whenever possible. It will make the screenplay flow better and the Reader may subconsciously anticipate who will be talking next. In a character's dialogue you can usually eliminate the first words of dialogue like "Well", "No", "Yes", "Of course", "I mean”, "Hello", "Goodbye", "Please", "Thank you", "You're welcome."
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You can still write beautifully with few words.
I do my best to remove words. Ever time I have done it, my work as improved. I learnt this from an old boss I had. I would write something like.
We have a process that produces data which is used by the intelligence analysts on a daily basis.
He would say. You cannot produce without a process. It must produce something which is given to someone. He would cut that down to:
We supply data to analysts.
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Dan Guardino and Craig D Griffiths gave you great advice, Steve Mallinson.
I'll add this: I suggest using unfilmables sometimes. They can set the atmosphere for a scene, give the script flavor, attract actors and actresses, and give the reader or cast better insight into a character or scene. But I suggest using unfilmables lightly.
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IMHO, it's quite subjective and a matter of personal taste for the most part. I'm not suggesting that you should plunge into a novelistic style with screenplays topping 200 pages, but I don't think screenwriting has to be dry and boring. Be sparing with your words, but be interesting. I tend to "overwrite" a bit, but that's part of my style. Some people love it and others hate it. Point is, what matters at the end of the day is the quality of the story. You can write a terrible story economically and a stunning story verbosely, and vice versa. It's also easier to fix a great story by cutting words than it is to fix a terrible story even if it's to the point.
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Thanks everyone - really helpful advice there.
Not long after I joined S32 I asked the question 'When you're reading a screenplay, what screams out "amateur"?'
These were some of the answers.
Beth Fox Heisinger said "overwriting"
Dan Guardino said "Overwriting" (one word answer, lol)
Craig D Griffiths said "when the writer can't write economically"
Shawn Speake said "Overwriting" (!)
It was all there, dammit! Thanks for your patience.
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There's some precious advice here, thank you all for the answers (I had the same issue Steve ! Old habits die hard when you're a novelist so thanks for the post !)
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Steve Mallinson and Steve, if you had a third person give you notes, they’d have a different opinion. The thing to learn in all scripts is economy. The older I get, the more I love white space on a page. It makes the reading of the script so much easier for people. Remember, you are writing a script and not a novel.
Check out scripts of the films you love and see why the page pops. Check out The Script Lab website, as they have lots of great FREE screenplays for you to read.
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Anyone read the AVATAR script by Cameron? Seems in direct contrast to all of the above...in EVERY point...same with WHEEL OF TIME ep1 season 1...sent to me by stage 32 as examples of great scripts...comments please???
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I come across this all the time: if your name is Cameron, Gilligan or Knight you're free to do write as you please. The rest of us, not so much. Can anyone suggest any good exemplars of economically-written scripts that were also successful?
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Anybody read DON'T LOOK UP? Lots and lots of curse words from the start, and a premise that a US President would IGNORE a world-ending asteroid? I can't say anything; I guess that is another "great example of an award winner".
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Steve Mallinson Checkout Ex Machina. I dont particular enjoy reading short one sentence descriptions. Also, we should pay attention to examples by Writer-Directors vs. Screenwriters.
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You're welcome, Steve Mallinson.
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Check out the "Shaun of the Dead" script, Jon. https://thescriptlab.com/wp-content/uploads/scripts/shaun-of-the-dead-20...
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Jon. Cameron is not writing screenplays to try and get past a Reader first. If a Reader has a lot of script to read and comes across one that is overwritten it’s going to make them work harder so they might not read more than a few pages. Writers tend to like a lot of words but people in this industry don’t. So if you want to get a spec screenplay past a Reader first you have a much better chance if the screenplay reads fast and doesn’t make the Reader’s job harder than it has to be. This is just my own opinion based on my own personal experience.
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M LaVoie but how many of those 4% work as a reader in the film industry? You can’t plan for every contingency, otherwise you probably won’t write at all, but second guess yourself all the time…
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Geoff Hall I was an employed salary & freelanced reader. I recommended 0 scripts because it is safer to keep my job by passing screenplays. And I dont think my employers were ever serious about making outside ideas into movies. Lol but then again, what the hell did I know what makes a good or bad script? It is a silly business for the lowest paid employees to judge Oscar and Emmy winning writers. One time the creative director at one company asked me to do coverage on a Bruce Joel Rubin script. Knew it was a trap by middle management too lazy to do their own work. Moral of my story: a great script will find its own natural way to decision makers.
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@DanMaxXx love it and your takeaway:
“Moral of my story: a great script will find its own natural way to decision makers”.
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Dan Guardino Just for my own curiosity I went through the current script I'm working on and applied your 'eliminator word list (some of which I am familiar with). I had a handful of 'there', 'it is' and 'are' entries which have since been eliminated, but I was surprised to find one 'suddenly' (hangs head in shame). A good exercise none the less. Not so sure some my earlier scripts would have been so clean, so will add them to the to-do list.
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To add to my answer. Having the skill to write very concise does not limit you or force you to write like that.
Even when someone with those skills writes a longer piece. It contains so much information and you know, regardless of the length, you are in the hands of a master.
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Action, scenario and dialogue. Only. No thoughts or feelings mentioned. Portrayed? Yes. . Extra words are just that. Never say red car. It could be blue the day of shooting. Or fat person, thin, tall, short etc, etc.
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You show script to 300 people - you'll get 300 opinions...but the point is always route it around because there's nothing sadder than a script in a drawer... and grow rhino skin... I've got BS on a script someone wants to film now...