Screenwriting : Logline Feedback by Vasco Saraiva

Or is it not a revenge fest?

After risking his life for a promotion, a body guard is buried alive in an underground maze and survives on rats to revenge his sinister employer.

Happy New Year, Vasco Saraiva. The last two loglines tell more of what happens in the story, but I think those loglines need some work. Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story, and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story, and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

it's not about revenge, no. But thank you still.

thank you. and happy new year

You're welcome, Vasco Saraiva.

I like the last one. I would just make the goal more clear.

Also seems like a very interesting story!

Thanks Jelica. I am a bit inclined towards that last one. Maybe I'lll try to add "as he tries to escape it" in there to see.

Why is he thrown in a maze? what you have is an inciting incident, not a logline. what does he have to DO once hes innthe maze and what happens if he doesnt. it really doesnt matter if it happens at a promotion party, a bday party, or a quincineara.

Thanks.

I like the second one. Straight and to the point and has a high "Wow" factor.

For a promotion, a seasoned body guard discovers his sinister company's requirement includes surviving a mysterious and deadly underground maze.

Thanks Bill, personally the second is my favourite. even if I'm more inclined to use a longer one.

Hey Vikki, I like how you simplified it. Might try and use some of it.

An ambitious bodyguard is forced to survive a cruel test of brawn and brain in order to expose the very people he was hired to protect.

Thanks Adam

I would keep the second one and add after "underground maze" the following: "... by his boss, whose company's activities go way deeper than the public's perception."

"During the celebration of a much anticipated job promotion, a body guard is thrown inside a deadly and mysterious underground maze. Tormented by physical and psychological pressure, he discovers that his company is way more sinister than advertised."

Lose the "way more sinister than advertised" So, his company's advertisement read: Good job with a slightly sinister company ...? What goofus applies for a job with that come-on? How about: he learns his job is a ruse for sinister purposes.

Is he actually physically thrown? And why is the job promotion important.

Thank you Marcel Nault Jr. , I think that might be it.

Thank you Jacqueline.

Good point Jenean

He's trapped. I already changed it for that word.

Third one is most complete.

Thanks Kiril Maksimoski