Screenwriting : Logline Review by Vikki Harris

Catchy title, Vikki Harris. The concept's interesting, but I think your logline needs more info. I suggest adding his goal and the stakes.

in my opinion, almost everything is fine. you just don't need to address the viewer, but write about the health of the victim.

A very attractive horror concept. Maybe reveal a bit more about the horror?

A cheating husband survives a car accident and wakes up at a hospital where a nurse tampered call button launches a lethal chain reaction.

Revision: After a car accident, a cheating husband anxiously awaits his discharge from a hospital where pressing the call button could be detrimental to the health.

Good suggestion Arthur Charpentier .

Thanks Maurice Vaughan I added a goal.

You're welcome, Vikki Harris. I don't think waits is an exciting enough goal. Maybe the goal is he tries to figure out the mystery about the call button while he's waiting to get discharged.

Maurice Vaughan He has figured out what's going on since he was the last patient brought in. He has seen what happened to the others when they press the call button, so his goal is to get the heck out of there before he is driven to press the button.

Nasty hospital.

A patient, hospitalized by his furious ex, realizes that pressing the call button is lethal and his final hope is to convince her to smuggle him the heck out.

"Get the heck out of there before he is driven to press the button." I think you should use that in your logline, Vikki Harris. You might need to reword it.

It's description, not a logline.

well good. if everyone wants a different logline, let's come up with one. First, we need to give the correct characterization of the hero - a hospital patient. his problem is that the hospital staff forces him to press the alarm button. The hero must find a way to get out of the hospital alive.

The medical staff of the creepy hospital gets rid of patients with the help of alarm buttons. The patient needs to find a way to get out of the hospital before he becomes the next victim.

Category is short feature? I think you mean short film. To me, a short feature is 70 minutes. (Feature means feature length film.)

“Detrimental to the health” should be “detrimental to his health.”

Why is it important that he’s a cheating husband? Is the nurse at the other end of the call button a scorned wife or lover? Say that.

Mike Boas I was thinking this could be a 'short' as part of an anthology for a television series.

Try this: "A cheating husband, hospitalized after a car accident, discovers that pressing the call button causes the patient to be taken away, never to be seen again, but he soon finds himself in dire need of attention."

Anthony Moore That's exactly what happens: "he finds himself in dire need of attention". Do you think he presses the button?

Vikki Harris - I'd say he'd start having a heart attack and looks at the button. When I write short stories, I'd leave it there. But if he presses the button his lover and wife both show up as nurses, but they'd be zombies or ghouls or monsters.

Hey, This seems interesting. I like The Logline. We get a clear picture of the protagonist and the situation he's in! I think it could be strengthened with a couple of minor tweaks. 1. I would say pressing the call button could be detrimental to his health. That makes it more personal and empathetic. 2. You could include his goal and the stakes in the log line. So we know what he wants and what happens if he doesn't get it