Stephanie DeWitt's Lounge Discussions

Very good, but it might be a good idea to sell the concept through the "confront his past"-part.

To bring a serial killer in front of justice a soon-to-be-retiring NC City detective must admit he’s been wrong his entire career, covering up for his ex-partner’s lethal double-life.

Dan MaxXx I dig it, just don't buy it...If I had like a week ahead retirement, Chief of Police himself couldn't rattle my...you know what...urgency better comes from having a career ahead, you can potentially waste with mistake...

But lotta movies implement this "ticking clock" and it flows good...better yet if your partner is a suicidal, wacky nutjob...

The logline misses the emotional thread to draw in viewers.

If by confronting his past you mean actions that led to his son to become the serial killer to get back at him...then there should be enough conflict, smoke and mirrors for a good story

Thank you all! Back story on this: detective has nightmares back to when he was a rookie and shot and killed a guy in a domestic dispute he thought was holding a gun. It was a cane. The son witnessed it all. Years later, son finds an opportunity during a crime to steal a badge and gun from a cop shot dead by a criminal who also died because the cop got a shot off before dying. The son goes on a crime spree to get back at the detective. My co-writer came up with the storyline and I just rolled with it. Positive thoughts would be appreciated as I have sent a query letter out to a manager contact in LA.

Stephanie DeWitt What about a female angle to the past? Like a rookie officer who is set on settling the score because of something the Detective did to her back in CADET school. The audience would want both the detective and the Female officer to come relative unscathed and wiser in the end since they both represent the Law. This would then be strictly a "quarrel" between them.

Thank you both! I added an update to the original post. Not sure if I need to mention that her deceased mother gave her the stone? If so I can add that. I had it in the update but deleted it to save word count.

You're welcome, Stephanie DeWitt. I don't think you need to mention that her deceased mother gave her the stone. It will add to the word count, as you said.

I suggest changing "Charlie" to "a __________ (adjective) teen" -- or something instead of "teen." I've heard from different filmmakers and writers that a logline shouldn't include a character's name (this isn't a rule though), unless the script is based on an established movie or series like INDIANA JONES.

I suggest changing "must abandon" to "abandons" because "must" makes it sound like she's forced to abandon the search instead of doing it willingly.

"After her brother sneakily follows her into a haunted mine and they get trapped inside, a __________ teen abandons her search for the other half of a treasured stone to escape before being captured by an evil ghost."

Thank you! I don’t know why I didn’t think about that. Abandons fits much better. I kept running loglines in my head all evening yesterday trying to get it right and not long. These can be quite challenging. Thanks again!

You're welcome, Stephanie DeWitt. You're right, writing loglines is challenging. I rewrite my loglines SO many times.

Ain't that the truth Maurice Vaughan

Jason - I’m also sure you could have taken that a different direction if you knew her name was Raine. The whole rain/storm/rainbow theme fits in here.

Well, I hope the use allows for a storm of cash to Raine down on you and your family! :) best - Jason

Hahahaha I laughed so hard at that. If it gets me somewhere, I will make sure you are rightly compensated. It’s not all about the money tho. M It’s getting to where I can have a career as a writer. The money is just a bonus.

It’s all good. No one else pays for my writing, why should you have to! LOL :)

Lol maybe we can collaborate on something down the road and see what happens!

I'm not very good with faith based movies I'm afraid. For me it's a story of a girl who loses herself, and through a book her mum speaks to her and helps her overcome her grief. God doesn't come into it for me I am afraid. I'm sure there's a huge market for faith based films though.

Thank you! I will keep working on it!

When death finds her mother, a young girl must hide her desire to rejoin her by looking to the cross.

Well, with what i can see, your story would be a nice one only if you work it out perfectly. do you have the story already? or are you off with picturing it?

if you are down with the story and in need of perfect logline. you will need somebody you'd trust to go through the entire manuscript, before a perfect logline could be attained. so think about it. hope this helped...a bit?

Thank you, Uchechi. I have the whole thing in my head, just have to get it written down. I’m just now learning screenwriting so it will be a while. I may also be doing things out of order due to my lack of screenwriting knowledge.