Screenwriting : Logline by Howard Johnson

Good luck with it. Hard subject matter to be taken commercially

Interesting idea howard but the logline is a little muddy, and Egyptology isn't a religion - it didn't really have a name... and technically there was no Christianity in Eve's day, we only got it when Christ came to save us all for her sin... apparently. So to fit into the bones of your story, how about... An intrepid time traveller prevents Eve from creating original sin, but with no need for Christ to save anyone, the butterfly effect results in a world that worships the dark Gods of Egyptian antiquity, and now only one man can restore balance to humanity.

Cut at least 15 words: that might make it clearer (and fit the Hollywood standard).

Woooooow. Love the feedback! I am now officially a stage 32 junkie. Anyhow, keep reading you'll get it, thanks David and I might use that longline in my next few query letters.

Anthony! I want to see that movie!!!

@ Jean-Pierre - yeah, me too ;-)

Anthony, I also want to see that movie, good job.

What a big what if. This is a solid idea, Howard. As a believer in Christianity I am so intrigued by this. Just the thought of how society would be if Eve did not bite the apple has me drawn to this story. What beautiful stress this will be for you to write. I wish you all the best.

Howard, I think this is great, would just like to suggest a few tweaks here and there,... After changing the course of history by preventing Eve from biting the apple, (name of the character) awakens in modern day to find that Egyptology is now the main religion, completely distraught, this young man must find the priest who holds the answers that will return the world to Christianity.

Caught my interest - I'd definitely watch it!

Uh, what longline did I mentioned?

Piqued my interest.

@Rosalind, Good job with that logline, I wanna see that movie

Nothing wrong with Egyptology, in my opinion. The point of the film is releasing information that some African Americans may not be aware of... and THANKS Rafael! IT'S COMING!!

To be honest, it doesn't really pique my interest and there seem to be far too many religious fanatical script ideas on here... in my humble opinion. But if it appeals to the masses, go for it.

@Liam - There's been like six or seven. How is that far too many? Because the subject makes you uncomfortable? @Howard - I think "Egyptology" sounds like a comedy. Don't add in character's names in your loglines,. And is the film only for African Americans? Are the other races aware of this information?

No its not for Africann Americans only and didn't quite understand your last question.

No, what are the Sub-Plots and Back-Stories...

Well, Tyrone had a fight with his girl wished, out of anger, that Eve had never bit the apple. Then, he awakes in a dream, stops her from biting the apple and as he returns the world to Christianity, he learn a lot of African history.

Thanks Antonio! Have you started at Full Sail yet? How much do you know about rewriting scripts?

No, I haven't. I'm enrolled for Aug 31 but I am looking into moving my start date up to July. But I have learned quite a bit about rewriting scripts from when I started and up to now. I definitely understand how vital rewriting is. How you can go back and see what could be made shorter? How can I convey this better? What can actually stay? Does the big picture make sense? Am I driving the story with my theme? (which is the core of all my screenplays) Those are questions I ask myself during my rewriting process which helps me a lot. Most of all, I have learned how to pace myself and take my time rather than trying finish in 3-4 days. But thank you for asking and sorry for being so long winded. I'm a very passionate individual and it just takes control some times.

Eve was framed.

No Roger rabbit was framed. Eve was very aware of her actions. lol

and thanks Tonio